Page 11 of Calculated Risk
"This piece, the mixed media one about language barriers. Could you simplify it? Focus on one element instead of three?"
"That changes the entire concept?—"
"I know. But it also makes it feasible to complete in two weeks. You can't recreate everything exactly. So you adapt. Evolve the concept to fit the constraints."
"That's actually... not terrible advice." He really does think about everything, I knows what will work and what needs to be changed.
"Try not to sound so surprised."
"Can't help it. I'm used to you avoiding me, not offering helpful creative suggestions."
His expression shifts. Guilt? Regret? "I'm sorry. For avoiding you. For making you feel like you weren't worth my time."
"Were you ever going to tell me why? Or were you just going to avoid me forever?"
"Forever seemed easier."
"Easier than what?" I ask.
"Than admitting I've been attracted to you since that gallery opening freshman year. When you tell me I should feel more and think less." He's not looking at me now, focused on his coffee. "I don't know how to feel more. I've spent my entire life building walls, creating systems and controlling variables. You're every variable I can't control. And that's?—"
"Terrifying. You said." I reach across the table, making him look at me. "But maybe terrifying isn't always bad. Maybe sometimes terrifying is where the good stuff happens."
"That's a very artistic way of thinking about it."
"And your way is?"
"Risk assessment. Cost-benefit analysis. Careful planning." He finally meets my eyes. "But maybe you're right. Maybe some things can't be planned."
"Is this one of those things?"
"I don't know. I've never done this before."
"Done what?"
"Been honest. About wanting something I can't control."
My heart is doing complicated things in my chest. "And what do you want?"
"Right now? To help you save your thesis show. To prove that Chelsea can't destroy you. To—" He stops.
"To what?"
"To see what happens if I stop avoiding you. Stop running from the one thing that scares me most."
"And what scares you most?"
"You. Us. The possibility that if I let you in, I won't want to let you go."
The confession hangs between us, honest and vulnerable and everything Marcus Chen isn't supposed to be.
I’ve liked Marcus for so long, and now all this is happening all at once, I don’t know what to say or feel. But do I want to run away from something I’ve been wanting for so long?
I lick my lips, looking around the coffee shop, even though I know the silence is dragging out between us.
“You know I’ve liked you since you spoke to me at the party three years ago, I thought maybe…then you left with my friend.” I stop and take a sip of my drink, giving myself time to think of the words. “That hurt, the guy I liked, who I thought liked me, left a party with my friend, and I hated you for it.”
Marcus looks around avoiding my eyes. “I liked you, I still do. At the party you were…you and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”
