Page 33 of Equilibrium
I didn’t want it, especially right now.
I didn’t want another person that could betray me, forget about me, and get on with his life as if I never even existed. Maybe I was a fool, but I wanted someone who could see me, the real me, and I still had no idea why he brought me here.
Atlas kept blabbering about my safety, and Storm refused to let me go out of here. In the last two days since they brought me here, I have felt more confused than ever in my life. And no matter the attraction between us, the chemistry, I still had to deal with the annoying buzzing in my ears, and the demons that haunted me for most of my life.
The sickness I was born with still lived inside of me. I had no idea what he wanted to do with me, but I didn’t want to stay around to figure it out. I didn’t want to, because I knew that once he showed me everything he had to offer, I would want to stay, and that couldn’t happen.
There were kids here, families, people that depended on Storm, and my touch could only destroy things, not enjoy them. I wasn’t worthy of these people, even if they were as violent as my own family. But they looked after each other, I could see that during the barbeque today. They felt relaxed, they talked about things other than the next mission and who had more assassinations under their belts.
They loved each other, and it was the kind of love I had never felt. The unconditional love that came from years and years of trust and living with each other. I wanted to believe that I could fit in here. I almost did when I talked to Zoe today, but one look at Storm, one slip of my mind, and it could all go to waste.
If my father found out where I was, he would be here in a second, uncaring for these people. I couldn’t put them in harm’s way.
I already took enough innocent lives, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if they ended up on that list. This wasn’t just another job in which I could turn off all my emotions and go through it as if nothing bothered me. Even as they drove, following Storm, they kept joking around, trying to outrun each other, trying to talk as they drove.
And Storm... Goddammit.
If I were four years younger, I would’ve embraced him and never let him go, because what I saw in him was what I wanted to have in my life. I wasn’t fooled by this calm demeanor they were portraying around me. I knew if there was a problem, they wouldn’t stop until the threat was extinguished.
But I guess that was what kept me from trying to run away.
Battered and bruised, I knew I would still try to run to him. I would try to forget about the world just to get lost in those green eyes. And I couldn’t.
Not anymore.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize we were driving closer to the ocean now. The saltiness in the air brought a different kind of peace to me, and I remembered all those years Ava and I spent on the beach in Croyford Bay. All those broken memories. Two unsuspecting kids, two fools that didn’t know better.
If I had known what would happen a few years from then, I would’ve tried to get us out of there. I would’ve tried to be a better friend, a better sister, before it was too late.
The whole entourage started turning right, toward the parking area right next to the empty beach. Well, calling it parking is stretching it a bit, but I guess that it would do. The rumble of bikes that came with us all the way from the club quieted down as everyone turned their engines off, waiting for Storm to get up.
They behaved like a well-oiled machine, with every one of them knowing what they had to do. Some started unloading their bags from the bikes, carrying them toward the beach. Others brought drinks, taking them to the cooler somebody brought.
How in the fuck did they fit a cooler on a bike?
“I think it’s time to get off, Ophelia,” Atlas started as I stared at the people around us. “I really don’t want to lose any part of my body, and if Storm keeps scowling at me like he is right now, he is either going to pop a vein or kill me.”
I looked to my left, right where Storm stood, ignoring everybody else. The girl that rode with him was nowhere to be found, and I hated the small sense of relief that coursed through my body at the notion. I hated seeing him with her, but I couldn’t exactly kill every single girl he was with.
My own insecurities needed to fuck off right now.
Besides, he wasn’t mine. He was never going to be mine.
It didn’t matter what I wanted because I would never get it. It didn’t matter that my heart broke every single time I looked at him, because I knew that he was the one. He was the fairy tale I so often dreamed about, but I was the nightmare.
I was a dark and vicious thing that could only destroy. So, no. I couldn’t have him, even if all I ever wanted to do was to have him hold me and never let me go. Maybe it was the shock of what had happened with Kieran, but I knew better.
This crazy desire for him, it started long before the church. It started when I first laid my eyes on him. In a matter of minutes, he managed to erase Kieran from my mind and all the fucked-up shit that was going on in my life. If the world were ending, he would be the person I would want to spend my last moments with.
But my life wasn’t a fairy tale, and the faster I got out of this funk I found myself in, the better it would be. This wasn’t my family. These weren’t my people.
This wasn’t what destiny had planned for me.
I was determined to remove him from my mind, because in a matter of two days, he managed to seep inside my bones. He was already nestled deep beneath my skin, and I just couldn’t take another heartbreak.
So, what better way to avoid it than to pretend that you didn’t have a heart at all.
I just had to go back to who I used to be. To the arctic cold that lulled me to sleep every night. To the loneliness that consumed more than my body. It consumed my soul. And I liked it that way. When you have nobody to depend on, you never get disappointed.
