Page 34 of Equilibrium
I marched toward the shore, ignoring Storm, ignoring Atlas calling my name. I ignored the curious faces and judging eyes. They could think whatever they wanted to. I was surprised nobody tried to stop me, since everyone seemed to obey everything Storm said, but they let me pass, parting like the Red Sea in front of Moses.
I had no idea how long we drove, but we were nowhere near the city. With the endless ocean in front of me, and the misery behind me, I sat my ass down on the sand and stared at the darkness in front. I needed a plan, and I needed it fast.
My body was unfortunately nowhere near ready for that, and I knew I had to heal before I could do anything else. As much as it pained me, Maya would have to wait a little bit longer. The condition I was in right now wouldn’t help us. I wouldn’t be able to get her back this way, and I had a feeling that I would need much more than my sheer will to get her back.
Wherever they sold her wasn’t pretty. I heard enough stories about human trafficking, about sex slaves, to know that she wasn’t just chilling somewhere in Los Cabos, waiting for me to come to her. I dreaded seeing her because she was a reminder of yet another failure of mine.
It was such a funny notion, but every single person I tried to save either died or lived a life filled with regrets. In the last four years, I couldn’t allow myself to think about anything more but the next mission, the next target, the next person the Albanians wanted to see dead. And it helped, in a way.
At least I wasn’t living with the constant reminder of everything I fucked up. But now, sitting here, surrounded with silence, I had to think. I hated being alone with my thoughts, and I guess that’s why I allowed myself to fall in bed with Storm.
I loathed it. Every single time I allowed myself to think about everything I’d lost, the ghosts of my past decided to visit. And I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to see the faces of people I killed.
“Is this seat taken?”
I turned around only to see Nathan standing next to me. His face was a perfect mask of disinterest, but his anger could still be seen in his eyes. He didn’t want to talk to me, which means that somebody else made him come here.
“Don’t look for Storm,” he interrupted before I could locate. “He didn’t ask me to come here. I came of my own volition.”
“Let me guess.” I smirked. “This time you will try to drown me before anybody else can come to help me.”
“We both know that you could kill me three times before any of these guys would be able to even blink.” He sat down without waiting for my confirmation. “Besides, drowning you in shallow water is not exactly creative. I like to see at least a little bit of blood.”
I looked at him and the serious expression on his face, and couldn’t help but laugh. The Nathan I remembered was an easy-going guy with stars in his eyes every time he looked at Ava. He didn’t have a chip on his shoulder. Yeah, he severed some heads, killed some people, but I would like to meet a person in this industry that didn’t do that.
But he used to look happy. Not so much anymore.
The scowl seemed to be permanently etched on his face now, and a part of me missed the time when we all had a better life. It wasn’t perfect but it was better. In the middle of the madness that took place after Ava’s death, I completely forgot about him, and I shouldn’t have.
I should’ve found him, tried to explain what happened, because he needed closure just like I did.
“I hated you longer than I knew you, Ophelia.” I almost flinched at his words. “I was coming home that night when three guys we worked with jumped in front of me. I thought it was just a silly test, that your father wanted to see if we were prepared for any situation, but I didn’t expect them to try to kill me.”
I couldn’t even look at him. This was all my fault. My inability to take them away from there.
“When I realized that they weren’t messing around, it was almost too late, but I managed to escape.” He took a sip of a beer he brought with him and silently extended the second bottle to me. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, so I took it, hoping it would calm down the nerves rocking through me. “I tried to call you, you know?” He opened the beer bottle with a bottle opener attached with his keys. “I tried to call Ava, but neither one of you responded.”
The same pain I lived with on a daily basis was etched into his face. It hid deeper than you would expect, and it wasn’t always visible unless you knew where to look.
“I couldn’t stay in Croyford Bay, knowing that they wanted me dead. I just didn’t know why.” I knew why. He messed up the carefully curated plan my father and Logan created. His only crime was love, but they wouldn’t have been happy until they saw him dead.
“So, I ran. I packed whatever I could and ran away from Croyford Bay, thinking that you would be able to take care of Ava and our child.” His voice broke on the last word, and my eyes misted at the emotion in his voice. “But then I heard she was dead.” He cleared his throat, turning to me. “And you were the one that killed her.”
“Nathan—”
“But now Storm tells me that isn’t the truth, and I don’t know what to think.”
“I don’t... I don’t know what to tell you.”
“How about the truth? She trusted you. She thought you could help us, and you—”
“I know what I did, Nathan. You don’t have to rub the salt into the wound that won’t heal. I didn’t kill her, but I failed her.”
“I don’t know if I can trust you on that.”
I understood he was skeptical over the whole thing—hell, I would be too—but I was getting tired of this fucking circle we were going around, where people always assumed the worst of me. Yeah, I know. I wasn’t the best person. But fucking sue me. I did what I had to, to survive, to see the next day and to protect those I loved. Would I change the way I did some things? Maybe. But I wouldn’t apologize for who I was and who I still am.
My own mind was already working against me, and I didn’t need the constant reminders from the people around me of things I used to do.
