Page 111 of Equilibrium
“It feels very real to me,” Cillian whispered in my ear.
Frantic, scared, I tried pushing him back, but he was stronger, taller, and I knew that any of my attempts would be futile.
“Where have you been, birdy?” Kieran asked. The ghost of my past came closer, that soft smile I used to love, playing on his face.
“Kieran—”
“Shhh.” He grabbed my neck, pulling my head closer to his. He placed his forehead on mine, closing his eyes.
It wasn’t painful, but something in his demeanor pulled at that tormented piece of my soul. He seemed almost... soft. Almost like the Kieran I used to know.
“I’ve missed you so much.”
“K... How?”
He caressed the spot beneath my ear with his thumb, the soft humming coming from him.
“How are you alive?”
“I don’t know, birdy. I don’t fucking know. I guess that you missed, or maybe you never really wanted to kill me.”
“No. No!” I pulled back, the back of my head hitting Cillian’s chest. “I killed you. You were supposed to die. You were supposed to—”
A sob tore out of me. The tears I didn’t even know I had anymore spilled from my eyes, coating my cheeks.
“I killed you,” I cried. “I stabbed you and watched you bleed. I-I-I can’t.” My legs gave away and I dropped to the ground as Cillian released me from his grip.
“The blade... The knife went through your heart. How—”
“Birdy.” He crouched in front of me and tried to touch my face.
“No!” I crawled away from him. “No, don’t touch me. I will wake up. I just need to wake up.” I closed my eyes, plastering myself to the wall. My head was in my hands, throbbing, painful... Please, please, please, he couldn’t be alive. I had to save Maya.
I had to save my sister, and if they were here, it meant only one thing.
My death.
“Please...”
“Birdy. Hey.” He caressed my hair, twirling the strands in his hand. “It’s gonna be okay. It’s all going to be okay.”
“No, no it won’t. Nothing will ever be okay.”
Stupid. I should’ve made sure that he was dead. I should’ve checked.
“You’re going to kill me, and she... Oh God, Maya—”
Another sob tore out from me and I couldn’t see him. Tears kept falling down my cheeks and both he and Cillian were just two blurry shapes in front of me.
“I’m sorry—”
“Birdy.” He came closer, spreading his legs on the sides of me. He pulled me away from the wall, my crouched form fitting between his legs. Those arms I thought I would never feel again landed on my back, and a hug followed next.
“It’s going to be okay, Phee. I promise you. You are going to be okay.”
“It hurts, Kieran.” I sobbed into his shirt. “It hurts so much, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I know, baby. I know, and I’m sorry.”
