Page 112 of Equilibrium
“Why did you have to do it?” I asked. “Why did you have to betray me like that? I loved you more than anything and you destroyed it all. Why, Kieran? I just need to know why.”
He kept quiet and the sound of shuffling feet told me that Cillian had left the room.
“Please,” I wailed. “Just one thing. If you want to kill me after this, do it, but I need to know. I deserve to know. Why did you have to rape her? Why did you betray me? Why are all of you betraying me? Was I not enough?”
“Oh, Phee—”
“Tell me! I deserve to know the truth.”
His hands moved to my head, keeping me a prisoner to his chest.
“I’m begging you, Kieran. I am fucking begging you to tell me the truth. You can kill me if you need to. You can destroy me, but please... I just want to know.”
“I’m so sorry, Ophelia. I am so fucking sorry.”
I knew he was sorry. I had seen it in his eyes a month ago, just before I plunged my knife into his chest. But it still didn’t answer my question.
“I wasn’t okay, Phee. It all happened after the whole fiasco with Cynthia.” I stiffened at the mention of her name. “And that’s just another thing I am sorry for. I made so many mistakes with you. I hurt you so much because I was weak. Because I didn’t know how to cope, and then my father came to my apartment.”
Logan-fucking-Nightingale.
“Maya was with him. I don’t know how or why, but she was there. And he threatened me with Ava, baby. It was either her or Ava, and I couldn’t put my baby sister through that.”
“Oh my God.”
“It doesn’t justify my actions, but I just... I couldn’t. At that point, I’d already failed you. You were so consumed by darkness that I knew. No matter what, you were already too deep inside this whole shit. And if I couldn’t save you, maybe I could save Ava. Now look where that got us.”
“Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I tried.” I pulled back and looked into his eyes. “I’d tried to tell you so many times. But that look on your face just before you stabbed me, I never wanted to have that. You fucking hated my guts. How could I ask for forgiveness when I did such a monstrous thing? Huh? I knew that the two of us, we were done. What I did to your sister, no, what I was forced to do to your sister, that was something our fathers would’ve done.”
“Kieran—”
“No, listen. I know that what I did was monstrous. I feel sick every single time I think about it, and maybe if I wasn’t such a pussy, such an idiot, I would’ve been able to help us all. Instead, I played right into my father’s hands because I was weak. You were right, Phee. I always tried to please him. I always tried to save everybody else, but the thing I did... I fucked everything up.”
He was sorry. I could see it in his eyes, he was so fucking sorry. But I wasn’t the person he needed to seek forgiveness from. I could never really forgive him, and it wasn’t my place to do so.
He had to ask Maya to forgive him.
“Wait, so you aren’t here to kill me?”
He laughed at me and moved the hair from my face. “No, baby. I’ve been waiting for you to get out of there, because there was no way I would be able to infiltrate their clubhouse. I meant what I said in that church. I love you, Ophelia. I think that I never stopped. Even when I thought you killed my sister, I just couldn’t shake this feeling.” Oh, Kieran. “You will always be here.” He placed a hand to his chest. “When I woke up in the hospital after the church incident, the first person I asked for was you. Cillian and Tristan wanted to go after you, but I stopped them. It wasn’t your fault, and you did what every single one of us would’ve done.”
“Kieran—”
“We do need to talk, birdy. There are things you don’t know and you should.”
“What things?” I asked as his lips connected with my temple, then with my cheek. “Kieran?”
“Just let me have this, please.”
He skimmed toward my mouth, kissing the corner but it felt wrong. His lips on my skin, his hands on me, it all felt wrong, and I knew why. My heart didn’t belong to him anymore. It stayed behind in that fucking clubhouse with a man that didn’t deserve to have it. So why should I let him control me with this? Why shouldn’t I let myself enjoy this for one last time?
“I need to taste you. I’ve missed you so much, Phee. So, so much.”
“Kieran—”
“No, please. Lie to me. Lie to me, Ophelia and I will believe everything. Just let me have this.”
