Page 73 of Vicious Intentions
Me:“When they finished their meal, Ralph just stood up, waved them goodbye, not having the heart to ask the little boy for his baseball back. He gave up his most treasured possession just to make a boy smile.”
Me:“I saw human decency tonight. A love for one’s fellow man. A selflessness in one kind gesture. What could possibly be more beautiful than that?”
Raffaele’s reply does not come right away. He listens to each message carefully before texting back.
Rafe:If everyone in this world had your heart, there wouldn’t have been any need for him to give the boy his baseball. There wouldn’t be shelters. No poverty that forced a single mother to live in her car with her son. No senior citizen left sleeping on the streets. None of it would exist if everyone just had your heart.
I don’t respond. Raffaele’s words make me self-conscious, as if he’s putting me on some kind of pedestal. I have enough of that with my family. I am not as good as people believe. I can’t be. Not when there is so much darkness still inside me. I don’t want him to see me like the rest of my family does. I want him to see me for me. Just me.
As if reading my mind, he sends me another message.
Rafe:A heart can still be pure even if broken, Anna. Your darkness doesn’t change that.
Feeling uncomfortable with the whole exchange, I ask him the same question.
Me:What beauty did you see today?
Rafe:My life holds only cruelty, Anna. It has no beauty.
I stare at his words, feeling a pang in my chest at how final they sound. I can’t accept that answer. I refuse to.
Me:I don’t believe that for a minute. You want me to be vulnerable with you, but you refuse to do the same. If you honestly want us to be friends, I need you to try to be as honest with me as I am with you. If not, then we’re done here.
The typing bubbles appear, then vanish, then appear again. I imagine him hesitating, weighing whether my threat holds water to it.
Rafe:I am trying…
My heart clenches further in my chest at the sight of those ellipses. There is so much that is said and still left unsaid with those three little dots.
Me:Even if you can’t see it right now, it exists. Sometimes beauty doesn’t announce itself loudly. Sometimes it hides in the smallest moments like a whisper. If you can’t think of one you experienced today, I’ll take anything that stayed with you.
There is such a long pause that, for a second, I think he might not answer me at all. Then a message arrives.
Rafe:When I was a child, my mother used to sing to me.
I sit up in bed, suddenly wide awake.
Rafe:She sang while she cooked. While she cleaned. While she thought no one was listening. Her voice was soft, even if a little off-key, but it filled the house. And sometimes, at night, when my brothers were asleep, and I woke up from a nightmare, the only thing that quieted the monsters in my head was her voice—singing to me. It made things feel safe. Ifeltsafe.
I can almost see it… the hidden memory he’s carried quietly for all these years.
Rafe:Thatwas beautiful.
My throat tightens as my eyes begin to water.
Me:Does she still sing?
He doesn’t respond right away.
Rafe:Sometimes.But it’s different now.
Me:How so?
The bubbles appear again.
Rafe:I’m the one who should make her feel safe. Not the other way around.
My heart saddens further at his reply.
