Page 74 of Vicious Intentions
Rafe:But thank you. I haven’t thought about her singing to me as a boy in a long time.
Me:I’m glad you remembered it now.
There is another pause.
Rafe:Yes. So am I.
I smile softly to myself, even as a tear falls down my cheek.
Me:Your life doesn’t hold only cruelty, Rafe. It holds a special kind of beauty, too.
For the first time since we began these nightly exchanges, I don’t feel like I’m the only one being held together by words. It feels like Raffaele needs them just as much as I do.
The silence stretches between us, not uncomfortable, but it’s clear we’re both in our own heads. Then my phone vibrates with a new message.
Rafe:I’ll make you a deal.
Rafe:I’ll try to find more beauty in my life if you step out of your sheltered world and find yours, too.
I read it twice, a small laugh escaping me before I can stop it.
Me:You think my world is sheltered?
Rafe:I know it is. You look for life’s beauty in safe places. Soup kitchens, books, other people’s pain and happiness. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but it keeps you on the outside looking in.
Rafe:It’s time you stopped waiting for life to happen and started making it happen. You can’t do that if you don’t break away from your sheltered existence.
Raffaele’s words sting, not because they’re cruel, but because they’re honest.
I am sheltered. As the youngest daughter of the Outfit’s boss, I’m more than sheltered. I’m always watched. The minute I step outside, I’m either supervised by one of my father’s soldiers or by the nuns at school.
Before, the only people I had to worry about were my somewhat intrusive siblings. But now that they’ve all moved out of our family home and started families of their own, I’m followed by big men with even bigger guns. Even at my piano recitals, they’re always there in the background, watching me. The only time I have a moment to myself is within the four wallsof my bedroom. What kind of life am I supposed to have like that?
I take a deep breath and send my reply.
Me:What would this deal even look like then?
Rafe:It means I stop telling myself my life holds only cruelty. And you stop hiding from the world behind good intentions and Outfit bodyguards.
I close my eyes.Wouldn’t that be nice?
Me:Fine.
The typing bubbles appear almost immediately.
Rafe:Fine?
Me:Yes. Fine. I’ll try. I’ll try to step outside my comfort zone. I’ll look for beauty where I’m afraid to look. Bodyguards be damned.
There’s a long pause before Raffaele sends his reply.
Rafe:And I’ll look for it where I’ve convinced myself it doesn’t exist.
I smile as something begins to warm my heart in a way I’m unfamiliar with.
Me:Deal.
Rafe:Deal.
