Page 97 of Don't Leave Me Behind
My fingers rub up and down her forearm, trying to avoid the many, many bruises she’s covered in.
“I’d all but convinced myself that I was going in there to tell you goodbye, that it was going to be the last time I saw you, talked to you. Then you smiled at me when I walked in that door, and I was lost to you all over again. I was spiraling, lying in that bed with you. The thought of losing you was shredding me apart, and I let myself wonder what it would be like if I didn’t let you go. Maybe we could have worked something out. Maybe it wouldn’t have all fallen apart. Maybe I needed regular sleep, and I would get better. I wouldn’t have to worry about putting my issues on you or hurting you again. Then you turned around and looked at me, and you asked me if I thought I would need you. That you would find a way to get to California, and you’d take care of me. You laughed when I said you needed to graduate. Laughed, Leni. I knew then that youwould have done absolutely anything for me, and I couldn't let you destroy yourself. At seventeen no less.”
I’m staring at her face, trying to recall the way the light shines in her eyes when she smiles, trying to remember what it sounds like when she laughs. Everything feels too big. It’s been less than forty-eight hours, and I can’t even summon those things to my mind.
“Please, Leni.” I take a deep centering breath, forcing myself to choke the emotion back, to be strong for her. “When I didn’t answer you, about coming with you, you blushed so hard. The deepest blush I’d ever seen on your face. I thought you looked so damn cute...blushing at me like that. You thought my silence meant I didn’t want you. Assumed that I was going to try and let you down easy. But when you faked a smile and tried to turn around, I couldn’t let you go. I didn’t want my last memory of that summer to be of you faking a smile, so I kissed you, and it ruined me.”
“Fuck did it ruin me, Leni.”
“I broke my own goddamn heart sneaking out of the house that next morning. The selfish part of me was glad that I’d kissed you. Glad that I would have that memory to take with me wherever I went. It nearly killed me, thinking about how badly I was going to hurt you. I wish we could get that time back, Leni, just attach another ten years onto the end of our lives so that we could make up for everything. I’d give it all up if I could go back to last Friday and turn you away. I’d tell you to go; if I could somehow go back and prevent you from being here, I would do it, Leni. Because I can’t fucking live without you in this world. I need you alive, baby, even if it’s not with me. I need you to live. We all do. Your whole family is camped outside in the waiting room. Pepper’s here, Miya. Everyone is here waiting for you. So please, Leni, you have to wake up, okay, baby? I need you.”
Emotion clogs my throat, and I can’t speak anymore. I hold her hand and stroke her arm until I somehow fall asleep next to her. The sound of the ventilator lulls me into a restless sleep.
I wakewith my neck aching from the angle I slept in. Miya is standing next to me, her hand on my shoulder.
“Glad I got here first. Brooks is trying to stall Mercer. You better get out of here, Clay.”
I look at Leni, and she looks the same as when I first came in. I know she’s being kept in a coma to encourage healing, but it’s discouraging to see her looking exactly the same, small and fragile. Vulnerable.
“I don’t want to leave her.”
“I know.” Miya squeezes my arm. “I’ll be here. They’re going to run some tests to see how she’s doing this morning. See if we can get her breathing on her own.”
“Will she wake up?”
“It all depends on what they find. If it’s safe to take her off the vent, we can back off the anesthesia. It can take time for people to wake up, but we’ll let you know if we start that process.”
I sigh, pushing up from my chair, feeling heavy and not at all rested. Leaning down, I press a kiss on her temple and whisper, “Time to wake up, baby girl. We’re waiting for you.”
I slip out of her room as a line of doctors makes their way in. The sound of the ventilator pulsing in my ears as I walk down the hall. I don’t make it very far before my legs give out. I slide down the wall and bury my head in my hands. Everything hurts: my body, my heart,everything.
“How is she?” Toby slides down next to me, his long legs stretched out in front of him as he sighs.
“I don’t know.” It’s the only answer I have right now, because I can’t form into words what it’s like to see her like that.
“Sorry, about…” He gestures to my face, where my skin feels a little too tight, a dull throbbing ache in my jaw. “I’ve never seen Mercer like this.”
I sigh, leaning my head against the wall. I glance at him. It’s still weird seeing the Kane boys in sweats. These guys live in their jeans and boots, or suits, in Ethan’s case. They might be dirty half the time, but they’re always put together. Right now, they’re a mess. Completely undone, and it’s jarring to see.
“So you and Leni, huh?”
I smile, for the first time since everything exploded with Mercer. Leni is the one thing I am absolutely sure about. Now I just need her to wake up, so she can tell me if she wants me to go or stay.
“Yeah.”
“It’s the real deal then?”
“Yeah, Tobes. She’s it for me.”
“Damnit,” he complains.
“Don’t tell me you bet against us.” I nudge his shoulder with mine, wincing when the motion jostles my ribs.
“Oh, right.” Toby tosses me a bottle of Ibuprofen, then hands over a shopping bag. “Those are from Miya. She had some in her locker.” He points at the bottle of Ibuprofen. “And that Pepper chick went out and got us all a change of clothes.”
“Oh, well, that was nice of her.”
“And fuck yeah, I bet against you. Ten years is a long time, man. Too long. She could have moved on, bro.” He gives me a pointed look before offering to help me off the floor.
