Page 56 of Tap Left
“Lola represents the one thing you’ve never been able to let go of,” Jimmy says. “You blame yourself for Ryan’s death.”
“I’ve never denied that.”
“No, you haven’t, but you blame her too. Now riddle me this. Is it her fault, or is it yours? Because logic would say that it can’t be both.”
“Funny you said before it was neither,” I remark dryly.
“Well, I can say it until I’m blue in the face, but it doesn’t make it so until you accept it. And only time can change that. Not me or God or anyone else. Time is your master. Time and the wisdom that comes with each passing day.”
Sarcasm is my go-to method for uncomfortable truths, and I deploy it now. “I don’t know that I ever get any wiser.”
“That’s just a cop-out. You said it yourself, Adrian. You don’t tolerate weakness in others, so don’t tolerate it in yourself. You can either face things head on and deal with it now, or you can live a life filled with regret.”
I shift my gaze to a passing jogger in tight black spandex and try my best to inspire an erection, but she isn’t Lola, and I think the truth is she’s fucked me up for real this time. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It’s easy to tell you to do the hard thing.” Jimmy laughs heartily. “Always is. Now I don’t know everything about this girl, but from what you told me she has some issues herself. She’s exactly the kind of girl that probably doesn’t need to be getting tangled up with a man like you unless you are prepared to be the man she needs.”
“It’s only a temporary situation,” I reassure him.
“That sounds like more bullshit to me.”
Any argument would be a waste of breath. Most of what I say is bullshit, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that what Lola and I have is temporary.
“Go back to your roots,” Jimmy suggests. “See how far you’ve come. Go and face down all of your demons if you have to, and remember the person you wanted to be back when you were just another nobody in the trailer park.”
That sounds about as appealing as getting my bum leg chopped off, but I don’t admit it. If I did, Jimmy would just tell me that’s exactly why I need to do it.
“I’ll think about it.”
“You do that,” he says. “And do it fast, son. The world keeps on spinning regardless of what year you’re stuck in.”
20
Lola
Julian arranges tomeet me at Portillo’s Hot Dogs for dinner.
It’s definitely more my speed than the restaurants I’ve been frequenting lately, and the best part is I’m not out of place wearing a pair of denim overalls and converse. Julian is at ease in a pair of jeans and a polo shirt, and that’s one of the things I love about him. His success as a developer in LA hasn’t gone to his head, and he would never turn up his nose at hot dogs.
Whenever we get together, it’s like not a day has passed. He’s always treated me like we’re equals. I don’t need to be anything other than myself when I’m around him. He comes in for a hug and lingers a little longer than necessary before retreating.
“You doing okay?” he asks.
I plaster a smile on my face. “Right as rain.”
He shakes his head but doesn’t argue. “At least you look like yourself today.”
“What do you mean?”
“This.” He gestures to my clothing. “This is the Lola I know. I almost didn’t recognize you last night with the dress and the heels and everything. You looked like a girl out of a magazine.”
His comment makes me go on the offensive. “I’m not the geeky girl from high school you used to know, Julian. A girl can change her wardrobe every now and then.”
“I know,” he agrees. “It’s just—”
“Just what?”
He shifts from foot to foot and looks out across the crowded space. “I just want to make sure you aren’t doing it for the wrong reasons. Or the wrong person.”
