Page 75 of Forgotten
Thinking is an understatement. I’ve been spending every waking moment questioning my choices, counting to ten when nothing makes sense anymore. I need to understand how I got here and why I agreed to lose my best friend in order to gain a family.
Dr. Bakari nods, taking notes. “And has this thinking been affecting your mood?”
“I go back and forth, really. Yesterday I sort of snapped, seeing my dad and his brothers all together like a family. Everyone was so… united. I felt like I had nobody to talk to—really talk to. Like I’m left here in 2024 with only a boyfriend, without my best friend. I said some things I regret and Ash heard them, so things escalated a little bit. Last night I told Ash that I have no idea what’s happening with me and I have no idea who I am, and I think that hurt him quite a lot.”
As usual, Dr. Bakari lets me talk until I’m done. Only this time around, the words don’t stop coming. I tell him every worry I have had the past weeks, more honest thanusual. I feel raw, out of control, and it reminds me of when I used to get drunk until being alive made sense again. And then, I tell him about every wish I have, every dream of making this life with Ash work.
“I’m sensing the urgency of having everything under control, of bringing order. Why do you think you feel like this, Ford?”
“I have no idea.”
“I suspect this relates to another time of your life. A time when you couldn’t control the actions of another and that gave you extreme anxiety. Do you know what I’m talking about?”
Sadly, I know immediately what Dr. Bakari is talking about. It’s the main reason I got in touch with him to begin with, after all. I say nothing.
So Dr. Bakari asks, “Have you been in contact with your mother?”
I think of all the times I’ve picked up the phone and selected the contact of Lily Hale in the past few weeks. Each time, my finger hovered over the call button for a while, without ever clicking on it.
Squeezing my eyes, I clear my voice. “Rationally I know. I know that she never wanted to abandon me and Dad, and that it’s her right to know how I’m doing rightnow. I know that she’s worried and probably has beentalking to Dad or fuck, even Ash to get some information. I just can’t do it.”
“And you don’t have to do it. We spoke about this many times in the past. I just want you to reflect on the consequences that this choice has on your behaviour inthe long run. How it affects your need to have every aspect of your life under control.”
“I close up. I lose focus.”
My therapist nods. “Precisely. You chose to cut your mother out of your life, however partially, but you tend to forget about the repercussions, Ford. And the more you get obsessed with control, the harder it gets for you to realise that some things are uncontrollable.”
I bite my lower lip, bouncing my leg nervously. “We’ve had this conversation before,” I note.
Dr. Bakari smiles in acknowledgment. “We will have it again. It’s important you keep working on progress. Now, in the beginning you said you are seeking help in being who Ash and your daughter need. Let me ask you something, Ford. Have you considered that perhaps you already are exactly what they need? Have you thought about what it is that you need from them?”
“What do I need from a toddler?” I say and as the words are out of my mouth, I think of what my dad said just yesterday in the park:I don’t think you need to worry about being her dad, Fordy. She already decided she’s your daughter.
“That’s a question you need to ask yourself. Alongside the other, scarier question. What do you need from Ashley?”
The question comes with a wave of headache, and I grab my face in my hands. The beard is scratchy against my palms and when did it get so long? Pain is thumping at my temples and I keep scratching, ignoring the throbbing.
What do I need from Ashley… What do I need from Ashley? A new feeling builds in my chest, a feeling of loss and despair and brokenness I haven’t felt since… Since when? What do I need from Ash?
My own voice echoes in my head, far away. Almost in another dimension.“I remind you who you are, and you remind me who I am.”
I don’t recognise the words, I don’t recognise the desperate tone. There’s hope in my chest now and I hear Dr. Bakari speak up.
“Ford? Would you like to give me a list of things you know for sure instead?”
The things I know for sure. I can do this. Without looking at Dr. Bakari I make my list.
I know I love Winnie and I have loved her since she yelled “Da” in my direction, small fists closing and opening in a silly greeting.
I know I survived a giant red lorry hitting my car and I have survived what should have been a deadly accident.
I know my mother loves me, even though she had to leave my dad to be happy on her own.
I know I love Ash and I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember. I loved him when we were eighteen, I loved him the day Vicky broke up with me and said “I’m not the one for you.”
I loved Ash when he chose to be with Jonathan and I loved him when we didn’t speak for years. Everyone has been telling me so since the accident. My dad, Vicky, Ashley himself. I guess I need to start believing this onetruth myself. As I come to the end of my list, I smirk, adding one last item: I know what I need to do.
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