Page 52 of Cyber
No, I couldn't blame her for hating me, not when I hated myself enough for the both of us. Scooping her kicking form in my arms, I headed towards the park gate and home.
When she was old enough, I would explain it all to her, at least as much as I was able to, and hope that she didn't carry on hating me.
I couldn't do any of that yet though. All I could do was go back to the flat that Cyber had arranged for us.
The one that was definitely not home.
“Mommy?”
Violet's voice was soft, but I could still hear the tears from her earlier melt down in it. Even though she was calmer, she still looked at me like I was her enemy, glaring at me all through dinner and bath time.
“Yes?” I was so tired. Opening my eyes, I tried to smile at her. She was surrounded by bubbles. It was usually our favourite time of the day. Bath time. But today was different.
I felt disjointed, like I was forgetting something. My eyes scanned the small, cramped space again. Everything was in its place.
“The water is cold. Can I get out?” She reached both arms out to me and I reacted instinctively, wrapping her in a towel that enveloped her totally.
What the hell was wrong with me? It was more than Violet's earlier outburst. It was…
I froze. My eyes landed on the box standing unopened in the cabinet.
The air left my lungs in a whoosh.
No.
I started to shake my head. No, this could not be happening. Mentally I started counting back on my fingers.
“Mommy?” Violet's face was screwed up in worry as she stared at my slack face. “Mommy, are you ok?”
No, I almost said the word out loud. I was far from ok. It had been over two months since I’d had a period. The realisation hit me like a freight train. Two months, and I was only just remembering now. Life had been so crazy that I hadn't even thought about tracking my cycle.
“I’m fine.” I forced myself to smile. “Go and get your pjs on, and I'll be there in a second.”
I needed more than a second to get my head around it, but Violet didn't need to know that. She skipped away, the towel trailing behind her.
Sitting down heavily on the toilet seat, I reached for the box of tampons, as if touching it would somehow miraculously make things different.
I knew it wouldn't.
Just as I knew I was pregnant with Cyber’s baby.
Again.
27
Iris
The thin stickin my hand with its two blaringly obviously blue lines confirmed what I already knew.
I was pregnant, and it was Cyber’s.
Again he had managed to knock me up in just one night. It might have been funny if he wasn't dead. If he had been there to share the joke with me. I could picture his grinning face clearly in my mind's eye.
Of course, I had no way of knowing whether he would be happy or not. He might have been mortified, but I didn't think so. He would have taken it as testament of his virality. Of his manhood.
God, I missed him.
Dropping the stick to my feet, I let my hand sweep over my still flat stomach. It wouldn't be long until it started to swell. Then there would be the constant doctor’s appointments, scans and such. All of which I would have to do alone.
