Page 51 of Cyber
Even two months later, in my new apartment, with my new job and my daughter by my side, I was only free because they allowed me to be. Because they still thought the man they had assassinated was Fang, not Cyber.
I didn't know how the Sons had done it. Or when Cyber had found out, but I had a feeling it was long before he had found the note.
He had sacrificed himself to give me and Violet a chance. Slipping on his president's cut instead of his own, he had made himself the target, and paid the ultimate price.
For me.
Tears sprang up in my eyes.
Cyber was dead. Because of me.
Memories of that night assaulted me, so it was impossible to see my daughter playing in the park in front of my eyes. All I saw was him: his eyes drifting shut as Monster dragged me towards the car tucked around the side of Maggie's house. Violet was already in the back seat, half asleep. Monster had moved her before any of it had happened. He had known. All of them had known what Cyber was planning to do but me.
And they had let their friend, their brother, do it anyway.
The rest of the night was a blur of lights and silence only punctuated with Monster’s no-nonsense orders for me to change my clothes in the front seat as he raced along. I had done as I was told like I was on autopilot. None of it had sunk in.
It was only when we got to the airport and he ordered me into the bathroom that I had realised my hands were stained with blood. Cyber’s blood. That was the moment I had broken down. Hysterical sobbing ripped its way from my mouth as people looked at me in pity.
Cyber had arranged everything, flights, several of them, enough money on a prepaid Mastercard to keep us comfortable, and even a small one bedroom place in the middle of London. Every month, more money was put into that account. Not from Cyber. He was gone. But either Monster or the Sons were making sure we had more than enough to live on.
It was everything I had wanted for five years.
But I wasn't free.
I would never be free. Sometimes in the darkest hours of the night, when Violet was asleep in the bedroom, I would look down and my hands would still be stained with Cyber’s blood.
“Mommy?”
Shaking myself, I raised my eyes in my daughter's direction. As much as I did my best to hide my pain from her, I knew sometimes she saw it in my face. I would see the same sadness creep into her eyes. She was too little to know what was going on, but she knew something bad had happened.
“Yes, sweetheart?” I plastered my face with a smile that didn’t reach my eyes. It felt like I would never smile for real again. Emotionally, I was exhausted.
Standing in front of me, with her hands on her hips, Violet faced me down. “I want to go home now.” There was a note of a tantrum to her voice. She rarely had them, but when she did, they were always spectacular. The last thing I needed was for her to have one in the middle of a crowded park, half hour after school had gotten out.
“Sure, we can go home now.” Wearily, I stood up, my hand outstretched to take hers. Going to the park was a new thing. For the first six weeks that we had been back in England, I couldn't even bear to let go of her hand.
Violet looked at me like I had grown another head. “Not that home. I want to go home to Nanna Maggie.”
“That's not our home. This is our home.” Except it didn't feel like home. For five years I had prayed to return to the UK, but once I was back, all I wanted was to be anywhere else. Anywhere. It wasn’t my country anymore; it wasn't home.
Home was with Maggie, with the Sons who would be able to tell Violet about her daddy. Who would keep his memory alive for her. She had known him for only days. The memories of him would fade. For her at least.
“I want to go to Maggie’s.” She stamped her little foot on the grass.
“I want that as well, Violet.” I sighed. “But we can't.”
It didn't matter how much I wanted to. We couldn't. I wasn't even sure I would be welcome there. They all knew what I had planned on doing. They knew what Cyber had done. They probably hated me.
I wouldn't have blamed them if they did. I hated myself.
“I want to go now.” She stamped her foot again, harder this time.
“Violet.” My voice held a warning, one that she ignored totally. “We can't ever go back. This is our home now.”
“I hate you.” She screamed it at me, her face screwed up and beetroot red.
The venom in her voice made me take a physical step back. But could I blame her? It didn’t matter that I had done all of it to keep her safe, to make sure she had the life she deserved. To her, I had taken her away from the only family she had ever known. The only men and women on the planet apart from me who had made her smile.
