Page 85 of Blue Norther
Wasn’t I just sleeping? Why couldn’t I wake up?
With every ounce of strength I had—which honestly wasn’t saying much—I forced my eyes open. Only one listened to me, the space in front of me unfamiliar, dim, and blurry. But with each new blink, shapes were easier to recognize.
And then I remembered.
I was in the hospital.
The baby needed to be delivered.
Our son…oh, God. Where was our son?
“Baby…” I croaked, my throat so dry it felt like it might crack in half if I tried to say another word. Colt’s head snapped up off the bed.
“Vi? Oh fuck, sweetheart.” His voice cracked, and I could feel his relief washing over me. “You nearly scared me to death.” Fresh tears pooled in his eyes. For some reason, my vision went blurry again.
Oh, tears of my own.
“Baby…” I said again, willing him to understand.Where was our son? Was he okay?I couldn’t wrap my mind around why I felt like a lead blanket was laying on top of me.Why couldn't I move? Why was my body so sluggish?
“Shh. Don’t move, Vi. You’re going to be in a lot of pain, and I don’t want you making it worse.” Colt’s hand landed on my head and started moving down through my hair. “Our son is fine. He’s beautiful, Violet. The most perfect little baby I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“Where…”
“He’s in the nursery. Birdie is with him. She promised she wouldn’t take her eyes off of him while I was up here with you, okay? Jesus. I’ve been so fucking worried.” His voice hitched, and I reached out to hold him. His hand. His cheek. His shoulder. Anything. I just needed to touch him. Colt clearly got the hint because in the next second, his fingers were intertwined with mine.
“I’m fine?—”
Colt’s eyes snapped to mine. “You are not fine. But you will be. You’re going to be just fine. You have to stay, okay? You promised you wouldn’t leave me again…and then I thought I was going to lose you. Please tell me you’re going to stay.”
Tears were cascading down my sweet husband’s face. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I could feel the severity of whatever had happened to me, but it wasn’t registering with my body yet.
“Don’t cry,” I whispered. My throat was so sore I wanted to ask for water, but just didn’t have the energy to.
“Don’t cry? On what was supposed to be the second happiest day of my life—because yes, marrying you is still the single best day of my life, and I will never stop saying that—you could have died. I will never get over the sight of you laying there, so fucking pale and still, I couldn’t tell if you were still breathing.”
My eyelids felt so heavy…I didn’t want to leave him sitting there.
“Need…to see him.”
“Shh, it’s okay, Vi. Rest. You’ll be out of here in a few hours, and you can see our son then. Just rest. Everything is okay.”
I didn’t want to go back to sleep, but the darkness pulled me under anyway.
Connor Colton Ford was the most beautiful newborn. I know nearly every mom would say that about their child, but it was true for mine. He had the biggest blue eyes, with eyelashes so long I was envious of them. His dark brown hair—a perfect match for Colt’s—made the contrast with his eyes striking. The way his little nose scrunched up when he cried made me feel like I was going to melt into the ground and never walk on solid bones again. And that newborn smell? I swear that was the best medicine around.
I had to spend the first twelve hours of his life in the ICU. For most of it, I was either asleep or too out of it to really understand what was going on. But now that Connor was coming into his third day of life, I felt crushed by the weight of my guilt. For not being with him in those first hours of his life. For making Colt worry. For not being able to care for my baby. Even now, moving was so painful. I’d been given the good pain meds while in theICU, but as soon as they deemed I was ready to return to the postpartum floor, those had gone.
It made sense, but what didn’t make sense was how I was expected to be up and moving around when every time I moved, or talked, or—God forbid—coughed, it felt like my insides were going to spill out through my incision. Jessie had been an absolute angel, ordering a support garment the second she heard I was having a c-section. At least now, it wasn’t so bad. I smiled down at Connor, who was fast asleep on my breast. It wasn’t easy by any means, but he’d eagerly latched on the first time I tried to nurse him and I had sobbed so hard Colt thought the baby was hurting me.
“How’s my favorite patient doing today?” Birdie chirped as she walked into the room, placing her hand under the antiseptic gel dispenser. One look at the sad state I was in, and she nodded. “Right. Okay. One of the perks of having a Certified Nurse Midwife in the family is the built-in babysitter with exceptional baby caring skills! Auntie Birdie is going to take Connor to get lots and lots of cuddles as I work on some charting. Colt, I think now would be a perfect time to get Vi into the shower,” she directed at him before turning back to me. “It’ll do worlds of good and help you feel more human, I promise.”
Colt jumped to his feet. “Is there anything I need to know about helping her? Does she need a special soap? What about washing her incision? Does that need to stay dry?”
“Love the enthusiasm,” Birdie laughed. “Help her into the shower, gentleness is key. No vigorous scrubbing. Bubbles and a light touch. Just make sure the incision is fully dry before you get dressed again. And Vi? Use the shower chair in there if you start to feel tired. It actually might be great to use the chair anyway to wash your hair. Did Jessie bring you some stuff to use from home?”
I smiled. “She did. Basically dropped off all the things I’d packed and about half a convenience store more of things.”
“Good.” Birdie stepped closer to the bed. “I promise I’ll take such good care of him while you get a little me-time, okay?”
