Page 11 of Untamed Heart
I bit my lip, realizing how long it had been since we’d spoken. Really spoken.
‘Hi . . . yeah, sort of.’
My voice wobbled and I kicked myself.
‘What’s going on? Are you okay?’
I could picture her in our family home, likely on the small floral sofa in the kitchen-diner, a coffee on Grandma’s old side table to her left, her Kindle or a newspaper to her right. The radio would be on, Radio 4 at this time of day – she lovedWoman’s Hour.
‘Umm . . . no, not really,’ I whispered, a thick sob rising up and spilling out. ‘I’ve been made redundant. I don’t have to work my notice period, so I’m just at home.’
‘Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. What happened? Listen, do you want to come home for a while? Your dad’s on the tour in Augusta until tomorrow evening, so it’s just me for now.’
My dad’s role as an official on the pro-golf tour in theUSmeant that he was often away for long periods. Her implication rang clear in the brief pause, that whilst she only wanted my happiness, visiting home when Dad was away would mean avoiding his disappointment, the inevitable judgement. My career success was a source of huge pride to him, but it came at a cost. I often wondered whose ambition it actually was that’d landed me here, how what I wanted and what he demanded had somehow converged into the same thing. The thought of breaking the news about Kyle would be too much. My parents thought the sun was located directly up his ass.
Hesitating, I realized I should’ve thought this through before calling. But other than Hestia, who rarely got up before midday, who else did I have? I’d slid further away from my wider circle of friends in the last year, almost every waking hour occupied with work or Kyle and his mates.
‘Okay, yeah, maybe. I mean, I need to look for something else pretty quickly – this place is expensive, so . . .’
‘I know, I know,’ she replied, the sound of the kettle boiling in the background muffling her words. ‘But you can give yourself a few days to get over the shock and put a plan together. Why don’t you come over? Archie will make you feel better.’
I wiped my eyes, almost smiling at the thought of their mildly insane spaniel, the way he would wriggle all over with excitement to see me, then spend the rest of the day trying to sleep in my lap.
‘Okay, let me sort a few bits out and I’ll check the train times,’ I replied, listening to another few minutes of her pep talk before hanging up.
Groaning, realizing what I might’ve signed myself up for, I called Hestia.
‘I thought you loved me,’ she said, groggy and hoarse. ‘This is just cruel.’
I checked the time, suddenly wondering if I’d somehow misread my phone before. No, it was 10.27.
‘Kyle’s been cheating,’ I blurted, even though the sound of his name burnt my tongue as it left my mouth. ‘He brought a woman home to his place last night; they were all over each other.’
‘What theFUCK?’ she suddenly roared as my eyes filled again. I laid my phone on the table and pressed my palms to them. ‘Right. I’ll go over to his work right now and tear him a fresh one—’
I hiccupped under the tears and she paused.
‘Lottie Wright, you listen to me right now. Neither of these things are about you, okay? Kyle is a dickwad – always has been, always will be – and your job can and absolutely will be replaced. That’s just business. This doesn’t define you; they areNOTthe sum of your existence. It’s just the universe’s way of clearing the path for you to find the things you actually need in your life. Okay?’
‘Okay,’ I repeated, voice on autopilot. ‘It’s just . . . I don’t understand why? Kyle, I mean. Cressida just hated me. But he and this woman . . . they’d clearly been together a while – she had a key, for fuck’s sake . . .’
My words trailed into incoherence and I let her rant in reply, the acerbic curses somehow forming a thin film over the wounds, a temporary patch.
‘And now Mum’s suggesting I come home and I just don’t know if I can deal with the judgement on top of it all. She means well, they both do, but they’re so invested in everything I’ve done.’
The sacrifices they’d made for me to go to a private sixth form college, to pay my uni fees and living costs so I didn’t have to take on a student loan. The weight of it all, of their expectations, and now . . . my utter failure.
‘They’re invested because they care, Lots. They’ll back you all the way, always have done – even your dad.’
‘But I’ve let them down,’ I replied, my voice withering under the pressure. ‘The job, Kyle . . . they were so happy. It was everything they wanted for me.’
‘And what about you?’ she said, her anger dissolving every last shred of tiredness. Her eyes would be blazing through their smudged black surrounds, I knew. ‘What doyouwant? What does success onyourterms look like?’ I couldn’t answer. Instead, I took the last sip of my tea, now cold. ‘Look, I think some time to think might be a good thing. Get out of London – you know how you feel different in the countryside. Some clean air and a change of scenery will clear your mind in no time. Just take Archie out for loads of walks, avoid your parents if it gets too much. Or you can come here anytime, you know that, but Cal has been on a three-day bender and this place looks like a black hole.’
I actually smiled.
‘Jesus,’ I replied, picturing the scene she was currently stumbling through, swearing as she tripped over something. For all their issues together, Cal was one of the nicest, but also messiest people I’d ever known. In every sense.
‘He’ll be fucking needing a saviour if he doesn’t pull it together soon. I’m not built for domesticity and somehow he’s forcing me to become some kind of fucking clean-freak mother hen.’
