Page 99 of How (Not) to Conjure a Boyfriend
“How could you do this, Mackenzie?” Her words pierce into my heart. “You’ve lied to us this entire time?”
“Maybe we—” Eliza steps in, but Gramps joins in on the onslaught.
“You thought you could come into this house and—”
I can’t deal with this. There is no world where this ends well. There never was. No scenario with a nice little bow on the end of it. I came tonight knowing that, prepared. At least, I thought I was prepared.
“Mack,” Zachary starts, but I can’t do this anymore.
I twist away from him and sprint for the door, yelling my last apology as I swing it open. “I’m sorry!”
28
The bell rings and I flinch. The buzz of conversations and banging of chairs is barely a murmur in the back of my head.
“You coming?” Kaitlynn tugs at my shoulder.
“Yeah,” I groan, and scrape the notepad and pens scattered on my desk into my pack. One pen misses and bounces on the beige carpet. “Shit.”
I huff and lean over and pick it up. I drop it in my pack with the rest of my junk, and reluctantly my feet drag me away.
“Today maybe?” Kaitlynn says.
“I’m coming.” I shoulder the backpack and let her tug me into the hallway.
I feel like a drone. Mindless and numb. I thought school might have been better than home because I’d have distractions, but I was wrong. It felt like work. The constant need to put on a mask or face the barrage of questions from Julieta and my classmates, or worse, my teachers wanting to know if I’m okay. I mean I’m glad they care, but not now. Even a fake smile doesn’t come easy with my gut in knots and my heart being rent into tiny shards over and over again every time Zachary crosses my mind. Or Super Old Gran. Or Holly. Gods, any of the Marcus family, but going home to just sit on my bed, staring aimlessly at my altar isn’t sounding much better.
Nothing about last night went the way I’d hoped. It was going to be a debacle either way, I knew that, but it wassomuch worse. It literally happened at their dinner table, in front of all of them, all at once. Dinner and a show. Except I was the show, and the ratings were rock-bottom zeroes. Would not recommend. And I even ran out crying.
Then there’s Hayden’s reaction. I’ve mulled over it about as much as I have Zachary’s surprise. He didn’t seem heartbroken. He actually sounded relieved, and I don’t know exactly how to process that. And then the others’ faces, and the way Zach called after me. I keep hearing their voices. Thewhys and calling my name in shock and disbelief. I don’t think my stomach can sink any lower than it is now.
I don’t talk the entire way through the building. My mind won’t shut up, so I can barely think to speak, and I think Kaitlynn’s had enough of it. She stops in front of me.
“Kenzie. Talk to me.” She plants her feet and stares me down. “You can’t just keep it all up in there.”
“Wanna bet?” I quip, and try to get around her.
She isn’t having it. Her hands grip both my shoulders and her nails dig into my skin.
“Nope! We’re not doing that.” Kaitlynn squints at me. “What’s going on up there?”
There’s a lot going on in my mind, but somehow it feels empty and drugged yet buzzing with thoughts at the same time. I keep wondering if Mrs. Marcus, or even Holly, is going to hate me. And my head says yes, but I’m begging them not to, and at the same time I feel numb and weighted. I try to weave around the doubts and thoughts to say something useful.
“It’s…just…” It’s not working, that’s what it’s doing. What I really want to do is yell at the universe for letting me so very royally fuck everything up. I want to scream at the gods, whichever ones will listen, and thank them for not helping me any. I just want to scream. “This sucks, Kaity. I-I, uh…I effed this all up so bad. I just…I don’t know.”
“Kenz,” she says. “You have to stop beating yourself up. You can’t change it. It’s over. It’s done.”
“It was last night,” I remind her.
“But it’s done,” she says again.
“Yeah,” I huff.
“It sucks, I know. But you knew it was going to happen,” Kaitlynn says. “You’ve still got me though. Well, you’re actually stuck with me. The only way you’ll be done with me is if you off me.”
It elicits a giggle from me, so that’s progress.
“See, you can laugh,” Kaitlynn says. “In all seriousness though, I know it sucks, and it’s going to take time, but it is my job to make you laugh. So get ready.”
