Page 98 of This I Promise You
“Wha-what?” His eyes go wide.
“Easton,” I start but realize I need my hands to get through what I’m about to say, so I set everything on the floor by his door. “Listen, Easton. Okay, um. Okay, it's like, before…everything. Before you and I were just wandering around aimlessly, confused. I didn't know who I was, what my purpose was, what I wanted, or where I was going.”
He squints again and folds his arms. Shit. Did I just lose him?Get your shit together, Paul.
“But when I saw you, when I looked into your beautiful honey-chocolate-with-flecks-of-gold eyes for the first time, like, really saw them at that party when you were a mess and completely shit-faced, everything just…clicked.”
Actually it was probably the goose incident that did it for me now that I’m saying it out loud. Oh well. I’m not backtracking now because he relaxes a little, but I still can’t read him.
So I continue, “All of a sudden, I knew. I knew exactly what I wanted. I knew exactly where I was going. I knew exactly what I needed to do.” I take a chance and step closer to him. He doesn’t back away, but his arms are still folded, tense. “It's you, okay? It’s you, Easton. It's always been you. And I’m… I am in love with you. You are my light. Myworld. Love should be a never-ending hope. Hope for you. Hope for us.”
I chance taking another step forward.
“I fucked up, Easton. I was scared and I felt betrayed and lied to. But I lashed out hardcore, and when I called you back and you didn’t answer I thought…” I close my eyes and shake my head. I can’t even think about it now. No. Nope. I look at him again, my eyes tearing. “I couldn’t bear losing you. I wasterrifiedit was the last time I’d get to see your face. Your beautiful face. I was scared, but I only want to see you happy and healthy. I want to love you for time and all eternity, I am certain of that. You are my future. I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life. You are my true love. You are my everlasting love. I. Love. You.”
Easton licks his lips and looks down the hall. I want to look too, but I keep my eyes locked on him. He returns his gaze to me.
“I can’t—” he tries, but I’m not having it. I came here to win him back and I need more thanI can’t.
“What are you so afraid of?”
“You!” he blurts out. “I’m afraid of you!” His arms unfold and gesture toward me.
I guess I did get him to loosen up a bit after all?
“You…” He bites his lip and looks down at his feet. “I hated you when I first met you. God, I hated you.” Easton shakes his head and huffs, looking at the floor and then back at me. “But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. For some reasonI knew I could love you. But I didn’twantto. God knows I didn’t. But I knew I could, and that scared the ever-loving hell out of me. I was scared because of what loving you would mean. It would mean I’d hurt you. Not because I couldn’t love you but because I could and my body hates me. It’s literally falling apart inside. I’ve seen what it can do, and I didn’t want that for you. But in you I found the love I needed, the love I’ve always wanted, the love I’d been searching for and craving.”
He stops and looks me in the eye and smirks. “And you weresuch a dick! But then…you weren't. Why could you not just have been a dick? Instead, you’re the man of my dreams. You’re literally everything I’ve ever wanted and I don’t feel like I deserve you. Not with my behavior, how I ignored you, and definitely not because I kept my…disease from you. Like, why?”
“Not to diminish your fears or anything, but if you’re scared to love me then that’s a pretty damn good fear to have,” I deadpan. “Like, I’m sorry, but it is.”
Easton rolls his eyes, but there’s a hint of a smile there. “Paul, stop with the jokes and answer my question. Why?”
“Why what?” I ask tentatively. I’m slightly confused, but I don’t want to piss him off.
“Why do you keep trying? You’ve been texting me nonstop for days, but… Why won’t you stop after what I did?”
“Whatyoudid? Easton, comeon! Who even fucking cares anymore! Fine, sure, okay, we’ve both made mistakes, we’ve both fucked up. Since the literal beginning, since we first met, everythingaboutus has been all fuck-ups, mistakes, lies, what-the-hell-ever, you name it. We’re both broken, dude. But if we’re broken, then I don’t want to be fixed if it means we get to be together. You’re it for me, babe. Itoldyou I don’t care what life throws at us, I want to be by your side every step of thefuckingway!
“So you have MS. That’s okay. I want to be there. To help you. I choose you, all of you. Butyouhave to choose me too. My heart is wide open to you. I know it’s a risk. I know we’re young, butIdon’t fucking care. You are more than worth it. Butyou have to choose me too.I’ve got problems galore, but I also have sandwiches and starry-night dates and all the fucking dick you want whenever you want it, dude.”
“AYEEEEE!” someone hollers down the hall.
We both laugh and blush and he’s all peachy and cute and I want to take him right here, right now. “I’ll do whatever you want, Easton. Just…pick me too.”
“Paul, I—”
“And obviously if you need more time, take it.” I take a step back. “Take all the time you need. There’s literally no pressure to make a decision right now. I mean our sandwiches are getting cold and these people might need an answer or they’ll riot, but I can wait. I can—”
“PAUL!” Easton takes a big step toward me, his hand on my forearm. “Stop interrupting me! If you would shut up for just two goddamn seconds, then I could tell you thatI love youtoo.”
Well, there I go again squealing. I rush him in milliseconds and pick him up into a hug to the sound of whistling and applause. I never anticipated an audience, but I couldn’t imagine a moment more perfect than this.
I spin him around and laugh. I’ve never been happier in my entire life. Then we’re kissing and kissing and I hear murmurs and doors close and by the time we come down from our high, we’re alone in the hallway.
“You love me?” I ask with a toothy smile.
Easton rolls his eyes. “Yes. Yes, I love you, dork. But it’s not going to be easy, Paul. MS is…unpredictable. Please know that—”
