Page 56 of This I Promise You
I nod. “It happened when I was seven. But it didn't happen again until I was nine. I thought it was just a bad dream the first few times. I didn’t know what was going on. I wasnine. But the smell of the beer on his breath was too real. He touched me for years. He’d hit my chest hard with his fist and would tell me to shut up. He would tell me to be quiet and to stop crying so I didn’t wake anyone up. I never said anything. He said he would hurt me if I did.
“It went on for years, until my brother Jace walked in on him. It never happened again, but no one ever talked about it. I thought I was fine. I thought I wasfine.And then I was seventeen getting ready for school and my dad came into my bathroom, and he—”
“Shhhhh, you don’t have to say it again,” Easton whispers in my ear and kisses my temple.
Huxley is shaking her head. I can tell she has something to say but doesn’t know how.
“Just say it, Huxley.”
“Have you been to someone about this?” she asks, eyes glassy. “You were sexually abused by yourfatherforyears. Please tell me you’ve sought help.”
There it is again, the shame. I know she’s right. Coming forward just wasn’t an option. I wanted to but…I couldn’t. “I’ve wanted to. I really have. I’m just—I’ve been so scared. I thought I could deal with it myself. I tried. I really tried. I started going to the gym and threw myself into that. I never wanted to be so weak, so helpless again. I want to be able to fight back…in case…in case— Easton,I’m so fucking sorry. I should have never tried to have sex with you before I got my shit together, but I truly thought I was okay. I thought I was okay…I’ve had sex before. With my ex. But not since…ya know.”
“Don’t apologize, Paul.” Easton hugs me tighter. “It’s okay.”
“Paul?”
“Yeah, Huxley?”
She takes my face in her hands again and forces me to look her in the eye this time. “Can I call someone? For you, can I call someone? I've been in therapy my whole life. Can I please call someone for you?”
My throat closes and I can’t speak. I’ve never been more grateful to have a best friend in my entire life. I swear she’s a literal angel. I’ll never be able to repay her. I’m scared shitless. I’m so scared and I can’t speak, so I do all I can do: nod and cry.
Easton
Numb
My phone says it’s 2:06 a.m. when I sneak into the room, which is pointless because Aidan is still up.
“Easton!” He looks away from his phone briefly enough to smile at me. “Ty got that promotion I was telling you about a few weeks ago.”
“It’s nothing, really,” Tyler’s voice says from Aidan’s phone.
“That’s great.” I try to sound happy for him, but it comes out dull and sad.
“Uh…” Aidan doesn’t seem to know what to say to that.
Our eyes meet and I shrug.
“Ty, let me call you back, okay?” Aidan doesn't miss a beat.
“Yeah, sure. Bye, East,” Tyler yells happily from Greenville into our room. “Te amo, A.”
“Yo también te amo.”
Aidan ends the call and throws his feet over the edge of his mattress. He aims his body square at me. His eyes narrow, but his face is concerned.
“What’s wrong?”
Everything. Everything feels wrong, but at the same time it all feels so right. Like, how do those two things go together? They can’t, right? But they are. Up until the moment Paul’s past jumped into his head, everything was perfect. I felt wanted. I felt needed in a way that wasn’t just for my body, not just for how someone could use me for their own pleasure, but forme, for me as a person. And it was wonderful. It was perfect and surreal and exciting. Those few moments meant more to me than all the guys I’ve ever known combined. It felt right.
But then it felt wrong.
I exhale deeply and drop my ass onto my bed, eyes flitting to the green cheaply carpeted floor.We need to vacuum.That’s what comes to mind first, but it’s quickly replaced by the words that keep running through my head in Paul’s voice.
“He raped me. He raped me.”
I clench my fist around a handful of bedsheets and let out a stuttered breath. I don’t know what it’s like living with that. It’s bad no matter who it is that’s dealing with that aftermath, but Paul. My Paul. Myboyfriend. Why him?
