Page 57 of This I Promise You
For me, it feels like it just happened. It’s this sudden blow. I wasn’t around to stop it, but I wish I could have been. I should have been there to protect him, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t have been. I didn’t even know him then. It’s stupid to feel like this, but I still do.
It hit like a freight train when he said those words out by the truck. I couldn’t move for a solid minute as he sped away while my mind processed what he’d said, and how what we did in the back of that truck must have been for him.
Once I broke my stupor, I got in my car and raced after him and got the whole story, and honestly I wasn’t ready for it. I don’t think you can be. But I like him and he doesn’t need to carry that alone.
“Paul,” I utter, and before I can get myself to keep going, Aidan is on his feet.
“That bastard! What thehelldid he do to you?” He rushes over. “Are you—”
“Of courseI’mokay!” I yell in his face, which I know in an instant is the wrong thing to do. I slump, tears starting to stain my cheeks. He doesn’t know. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”
“Uh. It’s okay.” Aidan stands his ground, but his shoulders relax.
“Paul… He was, uh…” I try to find the words, but they’re not coming, and I’m not sure if I should even say it. Is it alright for me to tell Aidan? I feel like it isn’t. It’s Paul’s story to tell unless he says otherwise. So I think a moment on how to explain why I can’t quite form a smile. “Paul went through a lot before he got here, and when he was younger.A lot.”
I bore my eyes into Aidan on those last two words to make certain they hit home. Aidan steps back and gently sits across from me.
“Oh,” is all he says at first.
“We, uh… I mean he took me on a picnic.” I decide to start there instead. I clasp my hands over my knees. “It was great, actually. Clear sky. The stars. All of it. You would have loved it. And uh… Then we started having sex, and he panicked. I thought I’d done something wrong. He just jumped up and left.”
Aidan doesn’t stop me. He doesn’t interrupt to say, “Again?” or any of the smartassery he would have pulled before.
“I’m so sorry,” is what comes out of his mouth instead. “I didn’t realize.”
“Neither did I.”
For a long moment we just sit. Aidan on his bed. Me on mine, with my mind wandering in every direction. I don’t want to lose Paul. And I’ll be there for him, but how? How do I support him? How do I know what to do?
“What do I do, A?” I ask.
“What do you mean?” Aidan looks at me, confusion clouding his eyes.
“I don’t want to lose him. I’ve never had anyone seemelikehesees me,” I admit.
Aidan’s cheeks bunch up into this adorable little smile that’s both kind and sad.
“You really do like him, don’t you?”
I simply nod. I do.
He thinks about it a moment, skewing his lips from one side of his face to the other and scanning our ugly carpet.
“Take things a little slower,” he suggests, and he giggles the tiniest little bit. “Make it simple. Why don’t you take him on a date tomorrow after class? Show him that none of that is going to stop you, and that you can go as slow as he needs.”
That’s a great idea, actually. And I can. I have to. I’m not losing this.
“Okay.” I give him a faint grin. “Thanks, A.”
Paul
Dr. Orleen
Four days later and I still feel hollowed out. Being vulnerable on such a monumental scale has…never happened to me before. Huxley has given me space, though she still makes sure she stays close by. Easton has spent as much of his free time with me as possible. We even went on a date.
He took me to one of his favorite parks where we just walked in silence, taking in the scenery, talking here and there. It was nice to be able to enjoy the peace of another being. After what happened on Friday I honestly thought I’d want nothing to do with him. But he chased me, he fought for me, he comforted me and never judged me. I feel connected to Easton now. I want him around and our bond just seems to keep growing.
Huxley held to her promise and called her therapist, Dr. Orleen, who was able to move her schedule around to meet with me on Tuesday, today.
