Page 85 of This I Promise You
“You good?” Aidan cranes his neck over the table.
I break from my stupor. “Oh yeah. I’m good.”
“Look like you zoned out there for a minute,” Cam says, slouched back against his chair.
I know it was an intervention, bringing me here, but I didn’t fight it. It’s best I don’t stay in the dorm all day, cooped up in that tiny space, letting all my thoughts build up around me. Aidan didn’t even give me a chance to allow it. The moment classes were over he dragged me from the dorm and we’ve been out ever since. First it was the mall over in Concord—he even let me stop in the western store to browse the boots, but I didn’t get anything—then we met up with Cam and rode some electric go-karts. And now we’re here at Boardwalk Billy’s.
“Maybe.” I shrug. “A little.”
My phone buzzes on the table again, but I refuse to look at it. I know who it is. I close my eyes and take a breath.
“Are you just going to ignore him?” Aidan asks. “I mean I know you are, but why?”
“He’s an asshole,” I let it pour out of my mouth. It’s not even a lie. He is. It just so happens that he’s my favorite asshole, which is making this all really difficult.
“You know how Paul is, Easton.” Aidan shakes his head and huffs. “Yeah, he shouldn’t have blown up, but he’s been through a lot too.”
“I know, but…” I’m about to tell Aidan how I don’t deserve Paul, how I messed up and wasn’t truthful to him, but then it hits me. “Wait, you don’t even like Paul.”
Cam recoils like he’s confused. “Yeah, I thought you hated—”
“Shut up, Cam.” Aidan kicks him under the table and a small grin eclipses his face as his eyes lock on me. “We got off to a rocky start, and yeah he can be difficult…but…”
His words trail off and his mouth scrunches together while his eyes search me for what to say next.
“He’s good for you.” Aidan’s entire body shakes and he sticks out his tongue like he’s gagging. “I can’t believe I just said that.”
“Me neither,” Cam laughs.
“But yeah, you two are good together.” Aidan takes it a step further and it starts a smile on my face that I’m quick to wipe away.
“Are we? I didn’t trust him. I thought I did. I really thought I did, but I hid my sickness from him. I hid it, like it would have changed something,” I remind them. It’s the big blight on our relationship, and it’s on me. And as much as I want to talk to Paul, as much as I want to feel his hands cupping my back, and his cheek on mine, I can’t. I can’t do that to him. “He deserves someone who trusts him completely.”
“You were scared though.” It’s Cameron, which I totally wasn’t expecting. I like him and all, but usually he doesn’t get involved in this, even when it’s my Grindr “dates” that Aidan hates so much. “Yeah, you screwed up.”
“Thanks.” I glare at him, but it makes me laugh.
“You’re welcome.” Cam bows. “He screwed up too. We all do. I once tried to get some wine by getting in the back of some stranger’s car with my BFF back home and got robbed. So yeah, we all screw up. But… Uh…”
“Were you going somewhere with that?” Aidan is eyeing Cam like he’s insane.
“I think…” Cam skews his lips. “Oh yeah, that doesn’t mean you give up though. No one’s perfect, East. But you clearly care about him. Otherwise you would’ve already moved on, ya know?”
“So you’re saying you got in strangers’ cars again for wine after that?” I scrunch my brow and, for a moment, forget about all the shit that’s happening to me.
“No.” Cam laughs. “Of course not.”
“So basically that part didn’t apply at all.” Aidan lifts his eyebrows and grins at me as if to sayI don’t know this person. “But still, he does have a point. You can’t just say I effed up, so now it’s over. You care about him, and he obviously cares about you. I mean you showed me the texts.”
I huff and nod. Maybe they’re right. Maybe they are. But I don’t think I can do that. I’ll just hurt him again. Or me.
But still, I pick up my phone and excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I was right, it was him. And…I think he wrote me a poem.
PAUL: i called you thrice,
staring at my broken face in the bathroom mirror
as the tears that rolled down my cheeks
