Page 8 of Keeping Kyler
My cell rings and I hesitate a couple of seconds before answering Kaden’s call. “Hey, man. You on the road yet?” he asks.
“Just got a rental.” I collapse in the seat as a wave of stress-induced exhaustion waylays me.
“Heads up. I spoke with Dad and bought you some time like we agreed, but he’s worried.”
“He’s not my dad.” The statement flows from my mouth almost independently.
“I know how you’re feeling. Kev and I went through the exact same stuff. This shit isn’t easy to deal with, but your dad is still your dad, Ky. Jamesisyour dad.”
I sigh. This is like déjà vu. When I spoke to him and Keven earlier, I ended up more confused than ever. Kaden approves of my plan to go visit my bio dad, but Kev is dead set against it. He thinks I’m much better off not knowing him, but Kade understands me better. He knows I’ll always be wondering if I don’t meet him. They both were at pains to point out that James is my dad,ourdad, irrespective of who the sperm donor was. But my muddled brain can’t make sense of it all.
The irony of the situation is that I’ve spent years arguing and fighting with James, but I always felt like I could count on him. Except for that one time, James has been there for me. Yet I spent years pushing him away. Picking stupid fights with him purely because he was an easy target.
And now?
Now, I wish he was my dad in every conceivable way.
Now, I wish I hadn’t wasted years bickering with him.
I wish I’d appreciated him more because nothing is ever going to be the same.
He may have raised me, but it isn’t his blood that flows through my veins. His DNA that has me wired in such a fucked-up way. It’s almost laughable. All this explosive anger inside me has to have come from somewhere, and I couldn’t figure it out before, but now, it’s making much more sense. I know I’m not going to like this man I’m traveling to meet, yet I need to meet him. To see him with my own eyes even if I’m terrified of what I’ll see. Terrified I’ll recognize myself in him and everything that that entails. But I need to do this—to motivate myself to work harder against the dark forces inside me that would happily drag me to the gutter.
I want this man to be a monster.
I want him to be everything my mother and my brothers have said about him.
I need to see that.
I need to finally have an explanation for why I am what I am.
A reason to rise above it.
Otherwise, I fear I’ll end up exactly like him.
“Ky?” Kaden’s alarmed tone interrupts my thoughts. “You still there, bro?”
“Yeah.” I grind down hard on my teeth.
“I wish you could’ve waited a week so we could come with you. I don’t like the thoughts of you meeting him alone. At least Kev and I had each other.”
Kade and Kev have stuff for college this week or else they would’ve come with me. They didn’t have to specify that. It’s a given. But I’m glad they’re preoccupied because I need to do this alone.
“I’ll be fine. Just stick with the plan. Don’t tell anyone where I’m going. I skipped out during the night, and you have no clue where I went.” That’s what we’d agreed earlier.
Kaden sighs. “I won’t.Wewon’t. But it won’t take much for them to figure it out. It’s the logical next step.”
I push the ignition button, and the engine purrs to life. “I know but it’ll take a while to find him, and that’ll give me all the time I need. It’s why I have to take off now. If I don’t, I’m afraid Mom will find some way of stopping me. She seems determined to keep us away from him.”
“For good reason, Ky.” Kade sighs down the phone. “Okay, but promise me you’ll stop when you start to feel tired. Find some crappy motel, and get at least a few hours’ sleep. You can’t drive all night.”
“I won’t. I promise.” I reverse the truck out of the space. “I’ll let you know when I arrive.”
“One last thing.” Kaden pauses, and I put the truck in park. “You should call Faye. Or at least message her. I’m sure she’s worried—don’t shut her out.”
“I’ll think about it. Later, bro.” I kill the call before he can lay any more guilt trips on me.
A couple of hours later, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Pulling into a sleazy roadside motel with a flashing neon sign that indicates vacancies, I park and head into the reception area to bag a room.
