Page 46 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
Okay, dweeb, the excitement is a little much.
“What do you have in mind?” Storee asks. “Turn the town against them?”
I shake my head. “They don’t care about that. Any other normal human living in a small town would probably hate being the object of everyone’s hate, which is not the case here. Which is why they don’t care about pleasing the townspeople. It’s not like it will hurt Dwight’s business, because he’s the only Realtor in town and will own that title until he decides to retire, because as the town ordinance states, only one person in a single job within the town. So... that screws us.”
“Okay, so what’s your plan?” Cole asks.
I’m so glad he asked.
I place my hands on the table, and on a deep breath, I say, “We make her fall in love with me.”
“Jesus Christ,” Cole mutters.
“Dear God.” Taran shakes her head.
“That... is an interesting idea,” Storee says, looking anything other than supportive.
“Well... I don’t know what to say to that,” Aunt Cindy says, her smile wavering.
And Guy, over at the end of the table, avoids eye contact and sips his water. And here I thought he might support me.
Blowing out a heavy breath, I get ready to convince this table that I’m not only onto something but that this idea has merit. “I’m serious.”
“We can tell,” Cole says and then presses his fingers to his temple in annoyance. “Dude, you can’t make someone fall in love with you, and also, how will that stop her?”
“I’m glad you asked,” I say. I stand, grab a rolled-up piece of paper and white spatula from my jacket, and bring them over to the table. “Please make room.”
Grumbling occurs, but plates and drinks are moved, clearing enough space for me to unroll my plan, which I drew up earlier with some crayons I found in the tree shack. I pin the edges down with a few glasses of water and then slap my spatula on the table, using it as a pointer.
“Jesus, was that necessary?” Taran asks, her hand placed over her heart.
“Yes,” I say. “Now pay attention closely, because this is vitally important to follow.” I point to a picture of a sad stick figure with blond hair and the nameBettywritten above her. “This is Betty. Notice how sad and lonely she looks. And this is me.” I point to a buff stick figure with an axe and my name. “Notice how proud I am to be standing next to this tree, a tree that has been a part of my family?—”
“Spare us, please. Just get on with the plan,” Cole groans.
“Fine. There was a whole backstory that would have really added to the plan, offering sympathy for me and hate for her, but whatever.” I clear my throat and move the spatula down to a picture of me handing Betty flowers. “This is the target. Enemy number one, the single human who has turned the life of your faithful friend, the one and only Atlas Maxheimer, upside down. We despise her and hope for her to trip and fall into a snowbank... gloveless.”
“Gloveless.” Aunt Cindytsks. “That’s quite harsh, Atlas.”
I nod. “I know, I know, but that’s how much we don’t like her. She is on a mission to put lovable me out of business, and the only way to change her vision is to woo her. To make her fall head over heels in love with me.”
“I don’t see how wooing her will help,” Storee interjects, worrying her lip.
“Let me get there.” I point to the flowers. “We go on a full-frontal attack. Hold nothing back. We’re talking pulling out my best moves.” I lower myself near Cole and smile next to his face. “I offer her the moneymaker, my smile.” I then move to Storee and tickle her neck, causing her to swat me away. “I make her laugh.” I stand behind Taran and wrap my arm around her shoulders. “I embrace her with my manly body.” I move over to Guy, and I’m about to kiss his cheek and then think better of it, instead patting the top of his head. “I kiss her wildly, using tongue.”
“Glad you didn’t show that as an example with me,” Guy says.
“Same, dude.” Then I clear my throat and continue. “I woo her, over and over and over again until she has no other option than to give in to this”—I gesture to my body—“sex machine.”
“Jesus Christ,” Cole says, shaking his head. “And what are you going to do when she throws up when you present her with your... sex machine?”
“She won’t throw up,” I counter.
“Really? Because I just thew up in my mouth,” Cole replies.
“Cute.” I give him a mocking smile.
“I’m sorry. I’m trying to grasp this concept,” Storee says. “How do you expect to do this when she probably doesn’t want to be anywhere near you?”
