Page 47 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
“Once again, glad you asked.” I move back to my plan and say, “By setting up booby-trapped meet-cutes—if you will—all around town, possible scenarios where she runs into me and has no other option than to interact with me. Scenarios where I... I don’t know, save a dog in front of her or, even better, save her from getting run over by a moving vehicle where she’s forced into my arms?—”
“And she can feel the manly body,” Guy says.
“Precisely, my man. Little instances that grow her liking of me and that can then allow that liking to grow into infatuation.” I move the spatula down to an image of her with hearts in her eyes and hearts floating over her head. “And with that infatuation, we start to see her second-guess herself. Second-guess her actions. This is where she starts to rethink her idea of taking me out of business. Where she starts to think,Hey, what am I doing to this man with the manly body that I seem to like so much?”Then in my best girly voice, I clutch my chest and say, “Oh goodness, I love Max so much. He’s my night and day and my moon, and I don’t see how I could possibly continue with this farm idea, because I wouldn’t want to hurt him. Oh, Uncle Dwight, count me out. I no longer want to go through with this asinine idea, because the man who has secured my love with his bulging biceps and frying pan pecs has captured my heart. Count me out.” Then I dramatically take a bow and say, “End scene.”
When I lift up, I find Guy clapping for me.
Aunt Cindy smiling.
Taran looking around the room, unsure.
Storee shaking her head.
And Cole... well, let’s just say I think he’s checked out.
“So what do you think?” I hold out my arms, welcoming all honest opinions.
“Frying pan pecs?” Aunt Cindy asks.
“Yeah, want to give them a poke?”
“That’s . . . that’s all right, dear.”
“Well, anyone else?” I ask around the room.
“Uh, does anyone need water? I think I’ll grab some refills,” Taran says as she heads into the kitchen.
“I think I’ll grab some dessert,” Storee adds, removing herself.
When they leave, I glance over at Cole, who still looks checked out, Aunt Cindy, who is gathering crumbs on the table, and Guy, who is looking around as well.
After a few seconds of silence, Guy finally speaks up. “I don’t know. I think it has merit.”
Huh, that’s surprising. Guy might be my number one fan.
I look down at Cole, and when our eyes meet, he says, “You’re an idiot.”
“Come on,” I groan and then move down the diagram. “See, look. I even drew us holding hands and walking into the forest together.”
“Your diagram is asinine, not to mention you’re neglecting so many factors. For instance, what if she doesn’t like you?”
“Pffft, everyone likes me.” I point my spatula at the other end of the table. “Right, Gus?”
His face falls flat as he says, “It’s Guy.”
“Oh shit, right.” I chuckle. “Sorry, man. Uh, don’t hold that against me. I’m billowing with energy.”
“Don’t do it again,” he says, changing his tune. Clearly his fandom is wavering.
“What if she has a boyfriend already?” Cole asks.
“She just moved to a new town and is starting a new life. Doubtful she has a boyfriend. Also, Dwight said I wasn’t her type, which makes me think she’s available, but I’m just not the one to fill the position of boyfriend.”
“Uh-huh, and what happens if—and I mean if—she does find you appealing and you somehow find a way for this woman to fall for you? Then what?”
Taran and Storee walk back in with drinks and cookies just as I say, “Simple. I date her up until Christmas when my parents return; then they can take over, I dump her, she’s too distraught to even be near me, she leaves town, and Dwight doesn’t have someone to run his project anymore. Problem solved. Bing. Bang. Boom.”
Taran and Storee glance at each other and then head back into the kitchen while Aunt Cindy stands as well. “I think I’ll go help them.”
