Page 30 of The Path to Loving Him
“I know. She would say that exact thing to me,” I say. “The problem is, I don’t know how to do both. I don’t know how to have a life while watching over my niece. I barely know how to take care of Mac. I swear to God, and I’m not just saying this to fucking say it, but every day I’m reminded of how shitty a job I’m doing.”
“Shitty a job? Dude, you don’t really mean that, do you?”
I look Abel in the eyes. “I sent her to school yesterday in a pajama shirt . . . on their end of the summer picture day.”
“Oh, who fucking cares. I’m sure you can’t even tell.”
Deadpanned, I say, “It said ‘time for bed’ in big letters across the front.”
Abel snorts but tries to hide it. He fails miserably. “Not the end of the world, but I see what you’re saying. For the record, that’s not failing, that’s just some funny shit. What you need to focus on is Mac’s well-being. If she’s being fed, if she’s happy and protected. You’re doing all those things. To me, that’s a win. The small things will come in time. You haven’t even been her guardian for a year yet, man. It’s only been a few months. You need to give yourself some credit.”
“I’ll give myself credit when I’m living up to the same standards as Cassidy.”
“You can’t chase her, Ryland. That will end poorly. She wouldn’t want that either. Keep Cassidy in Mac’s memory, that’s what you can do, but you have to develop your own way of parenting, or you’ll kill yourself in the process. Which brings me back to this Gabby girl. Maybe it’s a good thing that she’s close. Maybe she can be an outlet for you. You know, someone who can help you blow off some steam.”
I shake my head. “No, I can feel this snowballing on me.”
“Why? Because you liked her?”
“Yeah,” I answer truthfully. “I liked her. I liked that night we had. I liked everything about it. And I know if I give myself an inch, I’ll take a mile. Mac will end up suffering in the long run.”
“Or maybe she’ll thrive because you’re thriving. Ever think of that?”
I glance at my friend. “You’re fucking irritating me.”
“Because I’m right. Admit it.”
“No, because you have a comeback for everything. Jesus. Can’t you just shut up for a second and let me wallow in my situation?”
“Now, what kind of promise would I keep to Cassidy if I let that happen? You were directed to take care of Mac. And me?She told me to take care of you. Therefore, if you had fun fucking the neighbor tenant, I say do it again . . . and again . . . and again.”
“Look at me, Uncle Ry Ry,” Mac says, carrying a box labeled “The Chewys.”
Not that they needed to be packed in a box, but Mac demanded that The Chewys, as in Chewy Chondra and Chewy Charles, got their own special box that she, and no one else, was allowed to haul around. We even put holes in the box so they could “breathe.”
“Glad we got The Chewys in the new house,” I say as the movers drop what few belongings we have into the living room, one small box at a time.
Aubree and Wyatt have been so helpful the past few weeks with packing and taking care of Mac while I went to different appointments for the house closing. Now that we’re here, moving into a new place, just me and Mac, I feel . . . fuck, I feel nervous.
I feel like puking.
A huge weight rests on my shoulders because, before all of this, Aubree was living in the guest house at the old place and would come over for dinner, play with Mac, and help her get ready for bed. But now, we’re on our own. We’ve become a duo. And that scares me.
What if I forget something?
What if I’m not good at this on my own?
Fuck . . . what if Mac doesn’t like living with just me?
“Why do you look green?” Aubree asks as she walks by me with a side table in tow.
I reach for it, taking it out of her hands, carrying it to the massive living room. How the hell am I going to fill this space?
“What are you talking about? I’m not green,” I say.
“Your face, you look all pukey. Hattie,” she calls out to our sister. “Doesn’t Ryland look like he’s going to puke?”
Hattie comes up to me in her classic bike shorts and oversized Hayes Farrow shirt and examines me—making a whole scene about it of course.
