Page 56 of How My Neighbour Stole Christmas
He takes it out of the suitcase and stands up. “Oh, fuck yes.”
I look him up and down and uncross my arms. “No, Max. And that’s fucking final.”
CHAPTER TEN
Storee
The warm lit houses shine all through the town,
while Cole walks around with a very grumpy frown.
For he knows every Kringle will think he’s lost a screw,
as he traipses around whistling yodel-ay-hee-who.
But he is bound to win, and win it well,
even if that means a day in reality hell.
“Have you seen Cole?” Iask Taran as I adjust the red velvet dress Aunt Cindy made me try on this morning. It barely fits me. I’m wearing a cardigan to cover up the unzipped part of the dress.
“I haven’t,” Taran says, glancing around Ornament Park. “I’m not sure anyone has seen him. I’m worried he might try to shock the crowd.”
“Nothing’s going to shock the crowd more than Jimmy Short dressed in his version of Cousin Eddie’s robe while handling an RV hose and telling everyone the shitter’s full.”
Taran shivers in disgust. “He didn’t need to add the smell to it. Unnecessary touch.”
“I know. I saw Sherry crinkle her nose.”
“The guys from the hardware store loved it, though—really got into theChristmas Vacationspirit,” Taran says. “And from what Aunt Cindy told me, she thinks Sherry might be privately involved with someone from the hardware store.”
“What doesprivately involvedmean? And I thought she was with Beatrice’s ex?” I ask as Taran adjusts my hair. It took a while to get the bouffant right, but I’d say we got pretty close. It helps that my hair is red and so was Judy Garland’s in the movie.
“I don’t know. I didn’t ask.”
Because Antlers Antiques is so cluttered, with little space to host a competition, we’re having the live-action Upcycle Christmas in Ornament Park on the stage. There’s a tent for contestants to get ready in, but we haven’t seen Cole or Max, which makes me think…did they drop out?
Wouldn’t that be the best news? Given the competition we’ve seen so far, Ursula seems to be the only threat, especially when Dr. Beatrice Pedigree lay on the stage, dressed as a bloody Bruce Willis, and shouted “yippee ki-yay, mother-fudger” before tossing a felt flame at a fake toy plane that popped confetti, imitating an explosion.
Although a thoughtful rendition of a cinematic moment,Die Hardis not exactly a Christmas movie, and even worse, the scene she reenacted was fromDie Hard 2:Die Harder, which is not even close to being considered a Christmas movie, so I think we all know who’s getting last place—even if Jimmy’s robe was short enough for us to see his hairy man thighs.
“You look nervous. Are you nervous?” Taran asks.
“I mean, yeah. Last time I had to do something onstage, I tossed a lady into the river behind us.”
“First of all, you didn’t toss her. Second of all, that was a long time ago, and we’ve taken out all opportunities for you to trip. It’s why I’m going to wheel out Aunt Cindy from the crowd myself, bringing her onstage. And I’ll even set up your window for you. You just have to walk on and sit. I think you can manage that, especially with how the dress hits above yourankles so you have nothing to trip over. And I checked with Bob about the stage—it’s flat. Nothing will trip you, no obstacles; you are good.”
“I know.” I blow out a heavy breath. “But I’m still worried. I don’t think I’ll ever not worry about being in front of people.”
“I get it, but we will be right there with you. You can do this.” Taran adjusts the silver sparkly scarf that’s fixed on my head. “Show me your teeth.”
I bare my teeth to her, and she nods.
“No lipstick?” I ask.
“Nope, you’re good.”
“Okay.” I shake out my hands. “God, I felt so confident this morning. I was envisioning success while taking a shower, remembering the look on Cole’s face when he lost the other night, letting that propel me to this moment, but now…God, now I feel so shaky and scared.”
