Page 52 of The Way I Hate Him
He nods. “Yeah, they wanted something new months ago.”
“Seems like a them problem to me. Not that I’m coming to your defense, because that would pretty much make me burn up on the spot, but you just came off a big tour. Don’t they know you need some time to breathe, some time to recuperate? You have to recharge before you can jump headfirst into a mentally and physically demanding job.”
“Not defending me, huh?” he asks. “Sounded like you were defending me, and look at that . . . you didn’t burn up like you thought you would.”
“Must have been a lucky moment,” I answer.
And crap . . . the tension in his brow has eased, and the expression on his face is more favorable. I warmed him up and chilled like he asked, leading to . . . dare I say . . . a bonding moment?
“Tell me something real about you,” he replies.
See, Hattie, this is exactly why you don’t bond with people, because when they start to open up, they expect you to do the same.
And I know that’s a dangerous thing because ultimately, everyone I’ve ever loved has left me. Not that I’ll ever love this man. So I deflect.
“Are we really sharing?” I ask, trying to get back to maybe a more volatile state with him.
“Do you have something better to do?”
“No.” I’m just scared that maybe I’m opening up to someone I shouldn’t be opening up to. But if I think about it, other than Maggie, who do I really have? Aubree practically kicked me away today. At least Hayes is listening. Oh dear God, what is happening to my life that Hayes Farrow is the second-best person to talk to at the moment?
“Well . . .” he presses.
Looks like he’s not going to back down, so . . . “I think my family hates me.”
He turns to look me in the eyes, and the lightest smirk passes over his lips. “Would you look at that,” he says. “We do have something in common.”
“Come on.” I nudge his shoulder with mine.
“I’m serious. Commonality might make the workplace relationship better.”
“Yeah, I might have to join the dark side with you, especially after tonight.”
“It’s fun over here. I live in a land where I don’t give a shit. One where I enjoy watching those who hate me go into a tizzy whenever I’m around.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“It is,” he says in a deep tone. “So why do you think your family hates you?”
“They don’t tell me anything. Getting Aubree to go out to dinner with me was like pulling teeth, and she ended up leaving me at the restaurant to finish my pizza by myself. They’re preoccupied with their new responsibilities, which I understand, but they won’t talk to me about them. They won’t even let me help. All they’re concerned about is me going to school and making sure I graduate, and you and I both know how that’s going. There’s such a big disconnect between us that I don’t know how to bridge the gap.”
He pulls on the back of his neck. “Working for me won’t do it, that’s for damn sure.”
“Working for you is the only thing I’ve got at this point.” And that’s the scary truth. “God, what the hell am I doing with my life?” I turn toward him so I’m sitting cross-legged and facing him. “Cassidy never liked Matt. She told me several times how much she didn’t like him and thought I was too good for him, but I didn’t listen. I wasted my time with him only for him to tell me I was boring in the end.”
“You’re anything but boring,” Hayes replies.
“And now that I failed all my classes this semester . . . like what am I doing? All I had to do was pass these classes, and I was good to graduate. Am I self-sabotaging? I mean . . . I took a freaking job with Hayes Farrow, my brother’s least favorite human in the world. I’m asking for trouble. Is this a pre-midlife crisis?”
“Are you asking me?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” I lean back on my hands.
We’re both silent for a second, and then he says, “I don’t think you’re self-sabotaging. I think you’re lost. Not that I know much about your family life, but I do know that Cassidy was a bright light in your lives, and that light has dimmed. Of course you’re lost. You don’t have anyone guiding you like when she was around.”
That is . . . annoyingly insightful.“Cassidy was a bright light in your lives, and that light has dimmed. Of course you’re lost. You don’t have anyone guiding you like when she was around.”Why can’t my siblings see this? Why can’t my siblings talk about this?Why don’t they even want me around?
“You’re probably right,” I say quietly. “I honestly don’t know what I’m doing, and it doesn’t help that the only family I have left is occupied with their own issues.”
