Page 128 of The Way I Hate Him
“Are you angry still?” I ask.
“I don’t know what I am,” he answers. “This entire time, I was convinced it was Hayes. The transgression had him written all over it. At that point in our lives, he was drinking a lot, doing some drugs. He wasn’t in the right frame of mind, so when Samantha said he was the one who got her pregnant, it was easy to believe. Especially since he started to get noticed by some labels, and I . . . well . . . I was struggling to make something of myself. Sam’s confession—her infidelity—did me in. I was done. I settled back into Almond Bay and clung to my grudge, not willing to let it go.”
“Are you willing now?” I ask.
“I don’t know.” He drags his hand over his face, avoiding the laceration over his eye. “I think I might need some time.”
“I understand.”
“I need some time with everything,” he continues. “I know why you lied, but I’m still trying to comprehend it all.” His eyes meet mine. “But in the meantime, you can stay here, at the house, in Cassidy’s room.”
“What?” I say, confused.
“Do you really think you can live in that apartment after we trashed it?”
“I guess I haven’t thought about it.”
“Well, you’re welcome here unless you want to go somewhere else.”
“I mean . . . I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“Not Hayes’s house?” he asks me with a quirk to his brow.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going anywhere.” I twist my lips to the side, thinking about the dejected look on his face as he walked out of my apartment. “Plus, I don’t think I’m his type.”
Ryland shakes his head. “Not from what I could tell. The moment I pushed you off me, he went feral.” Ryland touches his sore jaw. “Not sure I’ve ever taken a punch that hard.” He turns to me. “Sorry about pushing you away. I was out of my mind. Are you okay?”
I nod. “I’m fine.” And then, for some reason, looking in my older brother’s eyes does something to me. I get emotional, and tears well up in my eyes. I wave my hand in front of my face and say, “Jesus, I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much.”
He reaches out and takes my hand in his again. “You’re allowed to cry, Hattie. To feel emotion.”
“I know, but I don’t know what I’m crying over.” I let out a deep sigh as Ryland squeezes my hand. “I just feel so lost. I failed at the one thing Cassidy wanted me to succeed at. I fell for a guy I shouldn’t have fallen for. I betrayed your trust and made a complete fool of myself.” I shake my head. “I’m just . . . I’m not in a place I should be mentally, and I don’t know how to get out of it.”
“Maybe you need to slow down,” Ryland says. “Take some time to find yourself again.” He wets his lips and adds, “And if you like Hayes, maybe you pursue that.”
“Ryland—”
“I’m serious.” He looks me dead in the eyes. “Life is too short, Hattie, not to go for the things that matter. Cassidy didn’t go after what she wanted out of fear that it might hurt me. And I don’t want the same thing to happen to you. If you like Hayes, go for it.”
“But what about your relationship with him? Cassidy wanted you two to figure things out, to reconnect. If I get in the way of that—”
“You won’t,” he says, squeezing my hand again.
“Does that mean you’re going to try to make things right with him?”
“I mean, for Cassidy, I probably should, but it won’t happen overnight. I see the toll it’s taken on Abel, and I’ll be damned if I get in the way of the happiness of another one of my sisters. Because you, Aubree, and Mac are all I’ve got. You’re my core. I might have been absent, strict, and bossy over the past few months, but this morning, with the fight, with watching Mac’s heart pour into her mother’s grave, it’s been a swift kick to the balls. You’re what I care about. You three are what makes me happy. And I can’t lose that.”
“I don’t want to lose you either,” I say, tears streaming down my face. “I thought . . . I thought you and Aubree were moving on without me. Getting Aubree to slow down and take a breath felt impossible. You were both guarded when I came back, and I know we talked about it, but I don’t know, our lives are headed in different directions. I feel like I’m clinging on...holding on to a part of yours.”
“I’m sorry we made you feel that way,” Ryland says. “But in all honesty, I think Aubree and I have both been trying to just stay afloat. It’s not an excuse, it’s just a way of life right now.”
“Then let me help.”
Ryland shakes his head. “You need to focus on you right now. Because you’re only as good to us as you are healthy. You were so close to Cassidy. You need to mourn. You need to find who you want to be after the death of your sister. We’ll be here, but we need you to find you first. If failing your midterms has taught us anything, it’s that.”
“How is that fair?” I ask. “You’re sacrificing so much.”
Ryland shakes his head. “No, we’re finding a new normal, and I think I’m starting to come around to it.” He dreamily looks toward the porch screen door. “The other night, Mac came up to me and cuddled on my lap, resting her head on my chest. She told me she loved me and that I’m her best friend.” That, of course, brings more tears to my eyes. Ryland’s eyes well up too. “I love that little girl, and I think we’re finally starting to find a new normal, even if it’s hard. I’m not saying we’re fully there yet, but there’s promise. Aubree is the same way. You don’t need to worry about us. Worry about you.”
