Page 86 of The Upside of Falling
“Yes, I can.”
“I mean, you can’t give up your dream.” I start pacing the apartment. I know Colby is watching me, his eyes intent, focused.
“You’re my dream now.”
I shake my head. He can’t be serious. To become a fighter pilot is the one thing he’s always wanted, not just for him, not just for his dad and grandpa, but to prove his sorry excuse for a stepfather wrong.He’s earned that and he deserves that.This has been everything he’s ever worked toward. Countless hours preparing for this, studying, flying in the glider, working so damn hard so that he could prove to everyone that he belongs in the sky.
And I’m not going to let him throw it away for me.
I’m not going to let him give up everything to be with me, not when I know, deep in my bones, that Colby Brooks was born to fly.
I love him too much to allow him to make a sacrifice that could break him in the end.
I know what’s it’s like to give up a dream, but that was for someone I’ve known all my life. Colby has only known me for a few months. I understand regret, the what-ifs, the wandering thoughts of what else you could be doing. It’s debilitating at times. And I don’t want to be the reason Colby is resentful, regretful, running through his what-ifs every time he sees a plane in the sky. That’s not fair to me and it sure as hell isn’t fair to him.
But the gesture. Oh my God, the gesture, to want to stay with me? To help me?
God, it’s tempting to throw myself into his arms, and kiss him until daylight, reveling in the fact that for once, I’ll be taken care of too. That after a rough day and Bryan on my mind, I can crawl into a warm, strong pair of arms, and have all of my worries washed away with a stroke to my back and a tangle of fingers in my hair.
But that luxury is a distant dream when it comes to Colby.
As I turn to look Colby in the eyes, preparing myself to say goodbye, I can feel every ounce of color drain from my face, pooling at my feet, a puddle of remorse swirling against my toes. This is it. I have to do this. I don’t have any other choice. I’ll be damned if Colby loses his dreams.
Hands clasping together, I gather all the courage I can find and say, “I love you, Colby, and that’s why I . . .” I stutter, my words feeling like razor blades slipping from my mouth. “I . . . we can’t be together.”
He shakes his head and takes a step forward. “It’s not your choice, Rory. I’m going to do this.”
“Colby, you can’t give up flying. I don’t care how much you think this is going to help. It isn’t, because in the long run, you’re going to be bitter, and who’s to say we’ll even stay together? You can’t base your entire future off a five-month relationship.”
“I know we will.”
“No.” I take a step away. “And I won’t be a part of a military lifestyle. You won’t be at Peterson forever, both you and I know that.”
“I can give my five years and then jump into civilian work. The Air Force doesn’t own me forever.”
“And then what are you going to do? Some desk job, hating every day, wishing you were up in the clouds?” My voice starts to become stronger with every word that comes out of my mouth. Things are starting to become clear. “You’ve told me several times your heart belongs in the sky. I refuse to be the reason you’re not up there. That’s not fair to me.”
Oh God. I’m going to be sick. I hate this. I hate this. But he needs to be free.Heneeds to thrive. He deserves his dreams. Hating what’s about to come out of my mouth, I say, “Are you scared? Is that why you don’t want to go to flight school? So, you’re trying to make me a scapegoat for copping out?”
Colby’s eyes narrow on me, his lips thin, his control impeccable as he hides the anger from my far-fetched accusation. The only inclination of his dislike of my comment is from the tone in his deep voice. “You know damn well that’s not the truth. I love you, Rory. I want to be with you.”
Turning away, I look out the window of my apartment, the foggy air casting a haze over the street.It suits my mood. The same haze is around my head, suffocating me.
“I don’t want to be with you enough to see you give up everything. We’re not worth it. I’m not worth it.”
Silence falls between us, deafening and uncomfortable. Keeping my back turned toward him, I suck in deep breaths, willing my nerves to settle, reiterating in my head that this is a good idea, that I’m helping Colby.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention as Colby walks up behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders, and turning me slowly to face him. My eyes stray away, and I fold my arms over my chest, unable to look at him.
I can’t look into his eyes.
I can’t be sucked into the chocolate liquid of his irises where I’ve found myself lost on multiple occasions.
I’ll crack.
I’ll break.
I’ll give in.
