Page 85 of The Upside of Falling
As if I’m shuffling down death row, I make my way to the front door and unlock it for Colby. Taking a deep breath and trying to hide the sorrow in my face, I open the door. Standing on the other side, Colby is holding a single flower like our first date, and is wearing his uniform. His tall and broad frame fills his Desert ABUs, the cap on his head making his eyes seem even darker than they actually are.
There is no way I’m going to be able to get through this.
Removing his cap, he sweeps me into his arms and places a kiss on my lips, shutting the door behind him with a kick of his foot. “I missed you,” he whispers, his lips a breath from mine.
My throat closes up on me, so instead of trying to talk, I bury my head in his chest and breathe in his scent, committing it to memory. I wrap my arms around his waist, imprinting the way his body feels against mine into my brain for the many nights I’ll be lonely, trying to remember what our love felt like. This is what I want to remember.This is what I hate letting go.
Kissing the top of my head, he says, “Can we talk about something?”
I nod, not breaking away from him as we walk toward my little loveseat. Setting his cap down on the coffee table, he takes both my hands in his and brings them to his soft lips. “I saw Gramps this past weekend.”
“Oh?” I squeak out, not sounding normal at all. “How is he?”
“Good. Kicked my butt in Scrabble.” Swallowing hard, he looks me in the eyes and says, “I actually went to him for advice.”
“Advice? About what?”
“You.” Scooting a little closer, Colby reaches up and caresses my cheek. “When I first met you, I knew you were going to alter my life, and at the time, I was scared. I fearedhowyou’d change my dreams, my passions, but I knew it was inevitable. I could feel it, and it fucking terrified me. And you know that’s why I kept you at an arm’s length.”
“I was the distraction you didn’t want.”
He winces at my words. “Unfortunately, yes. At the time, I wasn’t aware that dreams could change, that they would be altered in a way you could never imagine.”
“What are you saying, Colby?” My heart is in my throat, on the verge of tumbling to the pit of my stomach.
“You changed me in the best way possible. You came into my life, took me by the hand, put me back together piece by piece. You gave me your heart, and gave me a family. You’ve shown me that I can be loved, that I’m more than a number in the military, that I have a heart, a soul, a passion for more than planes. You’ve given me so much, Rory, and because of that, I want to give you everything.”
Oh God, is he going to propose? Please don’t let him propose. I couldn’t handle letting him down, telling him nowhen my heart would be screaming yes.
Standing from the couch abruptly, I run a hand through my hair and blurt out the one thing I can think to stop him from saying anything that will completely destroy me.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
The air around us stills as Colby’s brow pinches together, his eyes zeroing in on me. “What?”
My breath is short, my legs feel numb, and my stomach is rolling, the truth hitting me harder than I expected.What am I doing?“Us . . . I can’t do us anymore.”
When I would expect him to grow furious, to stand with untapped anger raging through him, he continues to sit, his brow pinched, confusion written all over his face. “You can’t do us anymore? Why not?”
Why is he so calm? He’s making it that much harder. I would almost prefer for him to yell at me, to hurt me, to make it easy to say goodbye. But he remains at ease, the only displeasure I can see is in his brow and the clench of his jaw.
Taking a deep breath, chin tipped up, I say, “You’re going to Oklahoma, Colby, and you’re going to become a pilot. Who knows where you’re going to be stationed after that? Your future is up in the air, literally and figuratively.”
He shakes his head and stands as well, moving in close. “That’s what I spoke to my grandpa about. I asked him, if he was given the option, would he give up his dream to be with my grandma, and he said yes, not a doubt in his mind.” He reaches out and cups my cheek once again. “Dreams change, Rory. You’re that change.”
I shake my head. “No.”
He nods. “You’re my future, Rory. What’s between us is real, and it doesn’t come along very often. I want to be here for you. I want to take care of you, and I want to take care of Bryan.” Pausing, he takes a deep breath and says, “I’m deferring flight school and asking to be stationed at Peterson so I can be with you, so I can help you and your family.”
I’m pretty sure a little piece of me just broke inside, like a part of my heart chipped off and went spiraling to my stomach where it’s churning, growing, building into a giant ball of hopeful yearning.
“What?” I ask in disbelief, not quite sure I understand what he’s saying. “You’re not going to flight school?”
He shakes his head. “I’m going to defer and take up another position in the Air Force. Maybe flight operations.”
I shake my head, backing away from him, unable to comprehend the enormity of what he’s offering me.
“You can’t do that, Colby.”
