Page 84 of The Upside of Falling
Sighing, I situate my pillow against the headboard, adjust the blankets, and sit up just as Ryan puts a steaming to-go box on my lap.
“Eat up and start talking.”
We spend the next minute dressing our pancakes with butter and syrup. I might have said I wasn’t hungry, but with their delicious smell right under my nose, I think I can make an exception.
“Soo . . .” Ryan pushes, not letting this go.
I stick a huge bite of pancakes in my mouth and chew before answering her. “It’s Colby.”
“I figured as much. So what’s the problem? You two are perfect together, it actually makes me sick.”
I take another huge bite, drowning my sorrows in the fluffy goodness. “It’s not going to work.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because he’s going off to flight school soon . . . in Oklahoma.”
“So?” Ryan answers nonchalantly, as if it’s no big deal. “Go with him. No offense, love, but it’s not like you have a job that you can’t do anywhere.”
Haven’t I already thought about that?
It would be the dream, to follow him to Oklahoma. To maybe find more classes to teach that are centered around ballet. Maybe start up my own massage business from my home. Spend the nights helping Colby study, teaching him how to cook more meals in the kitchen, spending countless hours in bed talking, just the two of us, when he wasn’t training.
I’ve thought about it so many times.
But I can’t.
On a heavy breath and a shattered heart, I say, “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
Fiddling with my fork, I look Ryan in the eyes. “Bryan. He needs me.”
Understanding flashes over Ryan, and her expression softens. “Rory, you can’t—”
“My parents are getting old, and they can’t take care of him forever. It’s gotten to the point where they have to ask me to come help them. What are they going to do if I’m not living here? Bryan responds to me. He needs me.”
Ryan is silent for a moment, poking her fork in her pancakes, avoiding all eye contact. I can feel it. She’s gearing up to say something I don’t want to hear. “You know I love you and Bryan, right?” she starts. Here it comes. “But you already gave up so much. Are you really going to give up the guy who’s not only accepted Bryan intohislife, but also has stolen your heart?”
A ball the size of a cantaloupe starts to form in my throat. My eyes tingle, prickling with tears, and the feeling of utter devastation overwhelms me. Even pancakes can’t even help with this feeling. “I don’t think I have a choice.” I shake my head, my throat burning, my words coming out strained. “I can’t leave Bryan, and Colby can’t stay here.” Tears fall down my cheeks as I vocalize the final nail in the coffin that I found out from doing some research. “And even after flight school, if Colby is assigned to fly F-16s like he so desperately wants, he won’t be flying them from Peterson, because they don’t fly out of that base.”
“So that’s it? You’re going to let him go?”
Another tear drips down my face. “I am.”
My decision floats from my lips and out into the universe, being vocalized for the first time, settling an uncomfortable and unwanted weight on my chest, making it hard to breathe.This is tearing me apart, and I hate knowing that it’s going to hurt Colby just as much.He’s lost so much in his life, and even though it will hurt us both, he has to achieve his dreams. I love him too much to hold him back. It’s the right thing to do.I hope to God it’s the right thing to do.
Setting my pancakes to the side, I bring my knees to my chest and bow my head, my sobs ratcheting my body, and I cry for the loss of a man I love, for a future I could see myself having, for yet another dream taken from my grasp.
And even though I hate myself for thinking it, for feeling it, I can’t help but have a little bit of anger toward my brother, toward our situation, because if life were different, I could be thinking about all the places I could live in Oklahoma rather than thinking about how to break up with the man who owns my heart.
* * *
Knock, knock.
The rap of his knuckles against my apartment door rings through the eerie silence I’ve been sitting in for the past hour.
I don’t know if I can do this, if I can make it through this conversation without completely losing it. I spent a good portion of my night last night crying, mourning the loss of my relationship, of having to say goodbye to the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with.
