Page 34 of Most Eligible
I shake my head, but Olie nods. “Many times,” she says. “She singlehandedly reanimated my—”
Lainey snaps her newly lacquered fingers for attention, so I guess I’ll never know what Olie was going to say.
Roland is in his own plush armchair off to the side, his casual gray Henley totally at odds with the vintage glamor of the downtown LA hotel we’re filming in. I catch his eye, and he winks before focusing on Lainey.
“As you know,” Lainey says, “this is Dr. Dora Ogelstein. We’re so happy to have her here today for the first group date of week two. We’ll get Rhett up here in a minute to give her an on-camera introduction, but I wanted to set up some ground rules. Of course, you are encouraged to speak your minds today, but let’s try to keep it PG-13.”
Dr. Dora laughs loudly under Lainey’s harsh side-eye, her curly brown bob bouncing like a million Slinkys.
“PG-13 plus a little,” Lainey says through gritted teeth. “We’re trying to shake things up this season, but this isn’t…” She coughs lightly, her pale face reddening. “This isn’t Pornhub.”
Next to me, Olie snorts loudly. Lainey glares at her. “Rhett,” she calls, snapping her fingers again.
With a near-silent whirr, the cameras click on as Rhett takes his place next to Dr. Dora. He shuffles to the duct tapeXon the carpeted floor and glances at the cameras, at us, then puts on his best host smile.
I haven’t seen him yet today, since he’s been holed up in the other room of the posh hotel suite. If Roland looks too casual for the Chateau Céline, Rhett looks almost too formal. His black shirt is buttoned up to his throat, hair slicked back with not a single strand out of place.
“Dr. Dora Ogelstein probably needs no introduction to some of you,” Rhett says, smiling at Dr. Dora. “She is aNew York Timesbestselling author of three books and has appeared on a number of talk shows, includingThe ViewandOprah.”
Behind me, Brooklyn sucks in a breath. “Holy shit. She knows Oprah?!”
“CUT!” Lainey marches forward to whisper in Rhett’s ear.
He scowls and looks pleadingly at her.
“You have to say it,” she snaps. “We’re going to have links and QR codes on the screen so people can buy the books. Roll again!”
“Come on, sugar,” Dr. Dora interrupts. “Live a little!”
Rhett stares from one woman to the other and stands up a little straighter.
“And while we’re at it,” Dr. Dora says, “Let’s just…” She reaches over and unbuttons the top of Rhett’s shirt. I almost burst out laughing at the horrified look on his face.
“Did we get that?” Lainey hisses. A PA grunts in confirmation, and Rhett clears his throat, taking a step away from Dr. Dora and off of his duct tape. It’s a mark of how desperate Lainey is to get the shot that she doesn’t shove him back into place.
“In case you aren’t yet a die-hard fan, Dr. Dora’s self-help books are calledThe Two-Thousand-Year Orgasm: A Practical Guide”—Rhett pauses, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down—“Sex and Kids: How to Raise a Sex-Positive Child, and—” Rhett pauses again, as though he can’t bring himself to say the last title. From his expression, you’d think he was trying to pass a kidney stone.
“This is a good one,” Olie mutters.
I have no idea what the third book is called, but Rhett’s pinched expression makes it hard not to laugh. What could possibly be worse thanSex and Kids?
He clears his throat. “Her most recent book,” he says, “an instant bestseller and the winner of last year’s coveted Eggplant Award for the best book about human sexuality,Fingering the Void.”
“Thank you, Mr. Auburn!” Dr. Dora exclaims. There isn’t a trace of embarrassment on her face. She pushes her round wire-framed glasses higher on her nose and smiles. “What a gracious introduction. Well, ladies, we’re going to have some fun today.” She rubs her hands together and wiggles her thickly penciledeyebrows. “It’s my understanding that you’re all pretty head over heels for this guy, right?”
Dr. Dora steps over to Roland and perches on the arm of his chair, the cameras following her progress. Olie catcalls, but it takes the rest of us a second to register that she’s asked a question.
“Today,” Dr. Dora continues, “we’re going to be testing your sexual compatibility with Roland. Now Roland, how important is physical connection to you?”
Roland blinks at her—or rather, he blinks at her boobs, which are at his eye level given their positions. Slowly, his gaze travels up her tight cardigan and he smiles at her face.
“Pretty important,” he says, sitting up straighter. “Of course, the most important part of a relationship for me is connecting emotionally. But physical intimacy is important as well and can lead to a deeper emotional connection.”
I struggle not to roll my eyes at this perfectly balanced, definitely scripted response. Roland has been holed up in the mansion for a week, surrounded by women throwing themselves at him. There’s no way he’s not bonkers horny. His face falls when Dr. Dora passes around our first exercise—a paper quiz. He was probably expecting something a bit kinkier. But judging by the grin on Dr. Dora’s face, we won’t have to wait long.
I glance at the clipboard in my lap.
1.What is your favorite sexual position?
