Page 33 of When There Was You
“This latest predicament is just a catalyst for what I’d hoped, fucking prayed, wasn’t happening…but there’s no denying the reality. Can’t you see? We’re trapped in a rip current and can’t find our way back to shore.”
He knew. Even a part of me did too.
My sobs fill the room. I sink my face into his chest and we cling to each other…and cry.
Mickand I ease into the shower, meeting under the warm spray. He presses his lips gently to mine as we hold one another. Closing my swollen eyes, I lean my head back into the stream and let the water soak my skin.
Injustice and unfairness rage within. I’ve known somewhere deep inside—maybe even from Remy’s phone call from rehab—that this was our inevitable conclusion. I hoped we could overcome the obstacles, that love would triumph and conquer all. Another wave hits, sobs threatening to unleash and drown me. I tamp it down, fortifying the mental dam staving off my total collapse.
I can’t think about the end, can’t bear it or fathom it. I must stay in the absolute present. Second by second. Or else I’ll shatter into so many pieces I will never be whole again.
I give myself permission to cry for months, years, once my ocean walks out the door. Until then, I will bury my self-pity and inhale every moment of him—us—that remains, committing it to memory.
Mick soaps my body. He’s so careful, reverent, quiet…is he memorizing me too? He shampoos my hair—one of my favorite things—his hands gentle but thorough. I fight another sob.This is the last time he will do this.
He rubs in conditioner then pulls me close to kiss me softly. His tongue finds mine and they glide and swirl together, writing their own love letter in a language they’ve mastered. He grips me tighter, and I clutch his frame as our kisses speak for us. My fingers rove across his masculine contours, broad shoulders, and down the valley of his back.His erection hardens between us, sparking desire from my throat to the sweet spot buried in my center.
He breaks the kiss and cups my cheek, his earnest eyes searching mine, his wet lashes making the gray irises even more vivid. “I want to make love to you for hours,” he murmurs. It’s a question, a plea.
Choking back the emotion threatening to topple the dam, I nod.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
It’s an unspoken agreement. We’ll make love, not war.
For as long as we can.
Time is a ticking atom bomb,each second bringing us closer to our impending demise as a couple. Not just demise…utter destruction.
I call in sick to work and we hole up to make love, eat, and watch TV twined together. It’s the first time I’ve truly understood the meaning of bittersweet.
Now we’re naked in my bed, the glow of our aftermath dimmed by Mick’s nearing departure. These are our last precious moments, and they’re quickly dwindling. I’m due at the restaurant for the dinner shift soon, and he’s leaving…
And never returning.
“This fucking sucks,” I mumble into his bare chest, my fingers tracing the happy trail on his lower abdomen, the hair a shade darker than the chestnut color framing his face.
Mick kisses my temple. “Yeah, it does. But you and me? We’re survivors. So don’t you dare let this stop you from kicking ass and taking names. Take the world by storm and show it exactly what I see.”
I’m viscerally aware this is my last pep talk from Mick Callahan. My eyes find his. “You’re the best man I’ve ever known. You’ve given me so much. Love. Acceptance. Guidance. Encouragement. Confidence. Respect.” A ruefullaugh escapes. “Can’t forget orgasms.” Nose stinging, I inhale a deep breath and rest my cheek against his chest. “You’ve done more for me in our time together than I’ve gotten in a lifetime. You took all my broken parts and made me…whole. Complete.”
His arms wrap around me tightly, his voice sincere as he murmurs into my ear. “You are complete without anyone else. Never forget that. The only person in life you need to rely on is you.You,Jax.Youare the most important ally, friend, and warrior in your own life.”
I want to remember this wisdom, let it sink in…but I’m already shattering, splintering, disintegrating…incomplete. I don’t know how to be the woman he seems to think I am.
Mick takesme by the hand and leads me out the front door. The sun is lowering in the sky, and my mind flashes to the sunsets we’ve enjoyed at his place in Half Moon Bay. That only cues a parade of memories we’ve created that I’ll miss.
He opens the door to the Mustang and throws his hoodie inside. A shiver courses through me as the chill outside hits. He presses me against the car, reminiscent of so many other glorious times, and cradles my face. “I’ll never regret one second with you.”
A tear escapes down one cheek, and he thumbs it away. “Same. I love you, now and forever.”
“No more tears, baby. I’m not worth it.”
My heart flinches. “Stop saying that, Mick. Stop believing it. How can you think you’re unworthy when ours is the most profound connection I’ve experienced with another human being? You are the planet I orbit. The moon that shifts my tides. The beat to my goddamned heart.”
His forehead touches mine. “I’m so fucking sorry. Those words probably sound hollow, but I am, Jax. This is thehardest decision I’ve ever been forced to make. You mean everything to me.”
All I can manage is a wan smile. “You’re kicking your heroin habit.”
