Page 34 of When There Was You

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“There’s no such thing with you and me.”

I nod without understanding, hanging by a tenuous thread.

“I’m doing this for you,” he murmurs. “Remember when I said you weren’t destined to be caged—you were meant to fly? You were meant tosoar. That’s all I want for you.”

My splintering fragile self understands this, but I will never accept it.

He pulls me close and kisses me gently, and our lips say the goodbye neither of us wants to speak out loud. We part and his hand finds mine again. He squeezes it and brings it to his lips for one last kiss.

“I love you, Jax.” Then he slides into the driver’s seat of his fastback.

My heart hammers in my chest. This is it.This is really it.

“I love you so fucking much, Mick.”

He cranks up the Mustang and it growls to life before the idle calms to a steady purr. He shuts the door while I stand rooted and immobile. Mick’s eyes flash to mine once more, his expression grim, then he guns it down the street.

Seventeen

Istare blankly at my bedroom ceiling. I’m hollow. Drowning. Shattered.

I thought I’d brushed the absolute height of agonizing pain before…but my despair furrows deep, consuming me.

I

am

utterly,

all-consumingly

lost.

Eighteen

My heart beats…how is a mystery. It’s broken beyond repair.

Maybe forever.

Nineteen

Iforce myself out of bed. Get dressed. Feed my face. Perform required tasks. Go through the tedious motions of life.

It’s not a choice.

And it’s a crime against humanity to face life on life’s terms when I don’t feel alive…and question whether I want to be.

Fuck my stomach for rumbling.

Fuck my eyes for opening every morning.

Fuck my brain for dwelling on what cannot be.

And fuck me for trusting Mick Callahan with my heart.

Twenty

Sometime in February, I laugh.

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