Page 120 of Demo
“Here,” I hear Bram’s voice near me and look up. I hadn’t even noticed that someone swaddled the baby up and he’s now holding her, walking over to me. “Hold her.”
“Um, but … she’s still all goopy,” I say as I automatically put my arms out to take her because Bram is just depositing her into my arms. “Oh my God,” I breathe as I instinctively start to sway my body, with her tucked in it. “She’s so light!”
“Thanks for being here with Emily,” Bram says over my shoulder, not taking his eyes off his new daughter.
It’s too much. This sweet little disgusting thing in my arms and all the possibilities that exist for her. And before I know it, ugly sobs start to tremble through me.
And then Knox is by my side. He places a hand on my lower back and looks down at his niece—our niece. “She’s, uh,” Knox clears his throat. “She’s beautiful, man. I mean, she’s a little bit gross right now, but I’m sure she’ll look great once they clean her up.” We all laugh.
“We were thinking, for a name …” Bram says as he looks back to Emily, and she nods in encouragement. He looks back at us. “We want to name her Monica.”
A choked sob leaves Knox, and I actually feel bad for him. It’s a beautiful thing, and a wonderful notion there will be another Monica Mitchell in the world. But, damn, it’s overwhelming.
Knox just nods, and his brother puts a hand on his shoulder.
“I, um, I feel like I need to just … get a water, or something,” I say as I pass the baby back to Bram. “I’ll be right back.” I turn, duck around the curtain, and head out into the main corridor. I take a step one way, but don’t see an exit, so I turn and head in another direction, my soles squeaking on the floor with each hurried step. I can’t remember which way we came to get to the labor unit, so I spin again and almost run into a nurse pushing an empty bed on wheels.
“Sorry!” I say as I come to a screeching halt.
I can feel it coming. The walls are closing in and the air is getting thick. I can’t swallow past that lump in my throat, and my fingers are frozen despite sweat breaking out on my skin.
I can still see the curtain that separates me from my in-laws, so I turn and place my hands on a nearby cool, bland wall. I breathe through my nose—in, hold, and out—and I squeeze my eyes shut. I know all I can do is ride it out, so I let the feelings consume me. I can’t even identify all of them. But they hit me hard.
I feel him before I hear his quiet, “Lizzie.”
Knox steps up behind me, his front flush to my back, and places his hands over mine on the wall, caging me in. He breathes with me, his head next to mine. After a few slow breaths, he guides my hands down from the wall and folds them across my chest, wrapping his arms around mine, squeezing me. Slowly, tightly. I allow myself to practically fall back into him as he holds me up, his arms around my body, his face buried in my neck. And he sways me as I silently sob, and I feel him sobbing, too.
We try not to let our trembling and gasps for air make a sound, aware of Bram and Emily and their bubble only a few feet away, hidden behind a curtain.
I wonder what people walking by must think. The busy doctors and nurses going from one patient to the next. The new parents and parents-to-be nervously pacing.
“Knox,” I quietly choke out with a hiccup.
“Shhh,” he soothes me as he continues to sway. “I know, Lizzie. I know. It’s OK. Let’s just dance.”
Oh … This is so much more than just a dance.
We stay like that for I don’t know how long. Until I’m out of tears. Until I’m almost out of breath. Until I don’t hate the fact I don’t hate Knox’s arms around me.
Finally, I clear my throat and pull away from him, wiping the tears from under my eyes. Spotting a box of tissues on the desk at the nurses station, I step over and grab a few, then wipe the snot from my nose. Without looking up at Knox, I pluck a few from the box and hand them over to him.
I hear sniffs, and a cough, then I feel him next to me again.
“Home?” he asks. And I don’t know if he means my home or his—well, his dad’s home—but either way, I want out of here, so I nod.
As he walks by me, he automatically reaches back and takes my hand in his and pulls me along, but I tug my hand out of his, then make like I’m pulling the sleeves of my long-sleeved shirt over my hands.
Knox looks down as soon as he feels me pull away, and I see the hurt cross his face as he brings his now empty hand up to run through his hair. “Sorry,” he says. “Habit.”
“There you guys are.” We hear Bram approach, the curtain billowing behind him, cell phone in hand. “They’re just stitching Em up, so I’m calling Dad.”
Stitching? Vomit.
“I think we’re going to head out before it gets any worse outside,” Knox says to his brother.Any worse?How long have we been here? This place is like a vacuum.
“Yeah, yeah. Of course,” Bram says, before pulling Knox in for a hug, and then me. “Thanks for being here, guys.” Then he pulls away, makes a few swipes on his phone and puts it to his ear as he walks away, and we hear, “Dad! It’s a girl.” Then more crying.
Chapter 34
