Page 70 of Plaidypus
“I will consider your agreement to share your sleeping arrangements with your wolf as sufficient payment.”
I considered Leonard. “Are you all right with that?”
“I’ll manage. It would be rude to deprive you of frozen melons for your planned murder. Who are you murdering again and why?”
“Some asshole is desecrating sacred ground. I’m viewing it as penance for unleashing the Geese of the Apocalypse on those who bargained to have me kidnapped. Saving their sacred ground has to counter the evil I’m planning to release. I mean, we’re Canadians. We’re born and bred tough. Australians arenotprepared for our geese, Leonard.”
“They really aren’t. But wouldn’t setting the vampires on these desecrators get the job done faster?”
“If you have extra gloves, I would enjoy helping to throw melons at these fiends,” Pierina announced.
“I am with my daughter. There is a special place in the Devil’s many hells for those who desecrate sacred ground, and I would be pleased to help escort them there using these melons.”
“Does Australia even have enough melons if we all throw some?” I asked. “We’re going to need more gloves and bags, Lucifer.”
“I will do this, but you will be naked when you share the bed with your wolf tonight in exchange.”
I spent all of half a second thinking about that. “Pajamas are overrated anyway. Leonard?”
“I’m sure I can suffer through somehow.”
Wolves couldn’t purr, but mine made a good effort and wanted to roll over and admit unconditional surrender. My platypus was no better, leaving me as the last obstacle in the way of a good time. “Then that is settled. Nudity in exchange for melons for everyone. We must do acts of good recklessly and with great malice.”
“Are you sure you’re Canadian?” Ernesto asked.
“I’m half American. I’m sure my mixed bloodline have something to do with my current preference to bring murder and mayhem to desecrating assholes.” I shrugged. “Honestly, when I saw what they were desecrating, I just got angry. I don’t think Canadians are immune to anger. We’re just polite about it. I might even chirp a heartfelt ‘pardon me’ while I bean him with the first melon. I thought about unleashing the Geese of the Apocalypse on him, but I only have one stone, and I’m saving that for the bargaining asshole and his goons.”
Ernesto chuckled. “I knew this would be a most excellent trip. Where Lucifer goes, trouble always follows. But this time, the trouble is splashed with justice, and I find this to be to my taste. When does this desecration begin, Lucifer?”
“It has already begun. The heat is quite unbearable at the site right now, so most have stayed away, and the desecrator goes where the law does not allow. Some damage has already been done, but I plan to bring the things to make it right. Nothing a little blood, sweat, tears, cleaners, and magic can’t undo with a healthy amount of muscle grease. It will make up for the inevitable evils the Geese of the Apocalypse will cause.”
“And things must remain in balance. Very well. I trust you with the timing of it. Justice will be served, not in court, but with melons. Nature to battle a fiend who desecrates nature?”
“Precisely.” The Devil smiled. “I will return momentarily with the things needed so we might cast many stones. Well, melons. And mark my words, this one has earned every stone thrown. And don’t worry about that whole nonsense about those without sin casting the first one. My father has already givenHisblessing on our venture.”
Ouch. WhenHehad no mercy, I could only wonder at what other foul things the asshole had done throughout his life. “So much for him being a forgiving father.”
“This one believes he doesn’t even need to ask and is entitled to anything he wants, including the unquestioned absolution of his sins. Let’s just say my father doesn’t appreciate that at all.”
As promised,we ate dinner around a campfire before the Devil sent us all to hell. If Lucifer meant for Leonard and me to do anything while naked, I ruined his plans. I managed to get naked, but the instant I flopped onto the bed, I passed out. During the night, I’d somehow gotten cocooned in a sheet, which made it difficult to escape. A rather bemused Leonard observed my struggles from beside me, covered with a rather comfy looking blanket. “Are you actually a platypus shifter? You seem more like a butterfly about to complete your final metamorphosis.”
How nice. Leonard had a sense of humor and a willingness to inflict it on me first thing in the morning. “Can I answer that question after I escape this and have something to drink and use the bathroom?”
He pointed across the room, where a rather nice oak dresser waited with a steaming kettle on it. “It’s not milk-based, but it’s ready for hot chocolate when you are. Do you need some help?”
I squirmed, decided I’d gotten myself truly stuck, and nodded. “It seems I’ve done something stupid in my sleep.”
“You started tossing and turning about an hour ago, and while I tried talking to you, it became clear you were not conscious. So, I got out of your way and observed. You rolled into the sheet, wiggled across the bed, rolled some more, did some rather fish-like flops, rolled some more, and then somehow ended up completely wrapped up in the sheets. At one point, I moved the blanket because you kept trying to throw it off the bed completely. I didn’t want to be robbed of the blanket, so I stole it. I even got off the bed so you could finish your transformation into a human burrito.”
“Just roll me off the bed. I’ll figure it out from there.”
Laughing, Leonard worked his hand under me, found the edge of the sheet, and put his lycanthrope strength to good use, spinning me out of the sheet and dumping me onto the floor. Within moments of me hitting the carpet with a startled squawk, he tossed the sheet on top of me. “Like that?”
“That works.” I gathered the sheet, wrapped into it, and waddled in the direction of the bathroom. “If you were looking forward to snuggling, I’ll just apologize now.”
“We were both tired. I joined you within five minutes. I only delayed to make sure you were covered up and wouldn’t get cold. Your moose teleported in and supervised. As she didn’t protest, I assume I passed her test. Once I made it clear I was going to bed, to sleep, she teleported away. I have no idea what she is now, but she’s not a zombie, that’s for certain. Zombies can’t teleport. Neither can most forms of undead. The undead who can teleport are few and far between—and that’s a good thing.”
I nodded, as I didn’t want to think about what would happen if undead could teleport. Killing vampires took enough work without additional magical powers aiding their efforts. “Well, thank you. I’ll try to be a more active participant in any evening activities tonight.”
