Page 51 of Plaidypus
“Don’t worry about it. Just ask Icy to bring you over and follow her. She knows her way around the place now. Well, at least to the kitchen, and if I don’t intercept you before you reach the kitchen, who am I to stop you from foraging? If I didn’t want you raiding my kitchen, I would have defended it better. Anyway, you won’t be the first to storm my gates, although you might be the first to storm my gates without ending up a permanent resident of my house.”
“It seems like a lot of work to storm your gates and then just leave. What am I storming the place for?”
“Great poutine.”
To my shame, I acknowledged I’d do a lot more than invade hell for some good poutine. “If that is a lie, you will experience the Geese of the Apocalypse,” I warned.
“Shouldn’t you be saving that for Turner?”
“I can kill him just as easily with a gun or my fists,” I reminded him.
“I feel I should warn Leonard that he might be biting off more than he can chew. You’re going to be quite the surprise when he sweeps in to rescue you and learns you’re planning hostile takeovers and acts of retribution. He’s going to be a marvel to behold, at least once he stops drooling over your blatant displays of competency. Wise men are turned on by competency.”
“What about the smart ones?”
“They encourage it.”
I laughed. “And which is Leonard?” I appreciated that the wolf lycanthrope held interest in me for the sake of my animals, who perked up at the mention of his name.
“A bit of both and rather conflicted over it. He’s supposed to be the immaculate professional immune to the charms of the women the CDC throws at him. The CDC, until now, hadn’t thrown a competent woman with a love of trucks and hunting at him before. If you like to fish, he’s done for.”
“Wait, he likes to fish?”
“He loves it.”
“Where can I fish in this place, what can I catch, and what kind of license do I need to do it?”
Lucifer sighed. “You want to go fishing now?”
“Fishing is underwater hunting and puts food on the table.”
“You enjoy camping as well?”
“Well, yes. My only problem with camping in Australia is that the dangers here arenotthe dangers I’m used to. I’m sure Australians, for the most part, know what they’re facing off against and take the appropriate precautions. I don’t know which precautions to take, which makes camping a dangerous proposition. When I take the time to think about it, it isn’t that the creepy-crawlies are actually worse than what we have in Canada or the United States, it’s that we aren’tusedto these things. And if Australiansaren’tscared shitless of bears, cougars, and wolves, theyshouldbe. Wise Americans and Canadians have a healthy respect for all three. The rest get eaten, and that’s all on them.”
“Ah, I love the sound of human wisdom. It’s such a blessed relief. But yes, you’re right. The stereotypes regarding Australia are established, not because Australia isthatmuch more dangerous than places elsewhere, but that it’s a different sort of danger than foreigners understand. Things we don’t understand are, by default, scary. Australia does have more venomous species, with over a hundred armed and ready to make a mess of your day. The United States has approximately thirty in comparison. It’s the spiders that are an issue. But, Australia has good practices when it comes to prevention and treatment of spider bites in comparison to the United States. On average, seven Americans die yearly due to spider bites. In Australia, it’s been a few decades since someone has reached a premature expiration due to spider bites. Get treated, and you’ll be fine.”
Damn. “Wait. The United States is more deadly when it comes to spiders than Australia?”
“Yes, that’s correct.”
Well, shit. “The internet has lied to me all of this time?”
“The internet lies to everyone all the time. You should know this by now.”
“But the memes!”
“Wrong but amusing,” Lucifer reported.
“And my likelihood of dying should I decide to camp in the Australian outback?”
“With the repellent I had my incubi lather all over you? Slim to none. It won’t protect you from acts of blatant stupidity, but the wildlife of all shapes and sizes won’t bother you. But if it makes you feel better, you can come to my home tonight if you’re not brave enough to venture into the great outdoors. Just don’t do anything stupid, and you’ll be fine.”
“You better tell me what counts as stupid.”
“Going into the water isn’t generally a good idea, and I recommend you obey any and all signs warning you about unsafe terrain. Don’t climb Uluru. Technically, people are banned from climbing it due to the number of deaths per year, but some idiot tries it even when they shouldn’t. Beyond that, use your common sense.”
“I’m going to need some fishing gear,” I muttered.
