Page 48 of Plaidypus
The Devil chuckled. “Having met your parents, I’m fully aware you’re half-Canadian, but that is the most Canadian thing someone has told me this week.”
“Only this week?”
“Last week, I went to Ottawa, and I stopped into Timmy’s. It’s hard to beat the Canadianness of an early morning Timmy’s run.”
I could respect that. I nodded, aware he couldn’t see my reaction. “If we can’t suck the malice out of you, it’s hopeless. And we inject all claimed malice into our geese. That’s how it works when we’re being honest about it. We collect the world’s malice and put it into our geese so we maintain our maliciousness but we hide behind the true scourge upon this Earth, the Canada goose.”
“I see you are aware the breed is actually called the Canada goose and not the Canadian goose.”
“While I am aware, I prefer Canadian. It feels more cozy. If I’m nice to them, there’s a slightly higher chance they won’t attempt to murder me immediately.” I allowed myself a laugh. “So far, Australia doesn’t seemthatmuch different from home beyond being exceptionally hot. The accents are something else, though. I checked into this hotel hoping the staff used stereotypical check-in processes as I couldn’t understand most of what he said.”
“That’s because his variant of English is Outback Strine. He’s not from Perth. You’ll be fine. Just use the slang guide I gave you, make some guesses, and don’t worry about the rest. If you really need help, I’m sure I can find a soul down here somewhere who can translate Australian for you.”
“Do you have a limited supply of Australians or something?”
“For some reason, most Australians don’t find my many hells particularly hellish, not after a few summers at home. Every time I bring them here, they just adapt and try to run the place, and it’s just so much work getting them to do what I want. I usually send them down to the ice levels to chill out for a while before working with them. And I give the work to someone else because they’re always stubborn. My wife is quite eager to get her hands on the next batch of Australians. I may have implied they are more stubborn than she is. With luck, I’ll be shipping them out of here in record time, she’ll be tired, and peace and quiet shall be mine.”
I decided against bothering with any attempts to understand the Devil and his strange ways. “And my brother?”
“Your brother is horrified he got shoved onto a plane bound for Australia, but he managed to survive the flight. He’s a few hours away from your location. Due to his status as a rather young vampire, they’re traveling at night whenever possible. I did send a supply of the cream I gave you through my nephew, but they’re playing it safe. I’m still not sure why they didn’t just ask for more of my help. It’s not like I want their souls right now. Their souls are already doing what I want. Why would I ruin that? They’re moving slower than you will, but I recommend you let them catch up before you reach Uluru. Mainly so you can establish that not all Canadians are nice.”
“Is there any reason to go on ahead without them?”
“Peace and quiet. Once you meet up with them, they will find ways to make your adventure even more adventurous. I thought you might appreciate having a more relaxed outing before meeting up with them closer to Uluru. In the grand scheme of things, meeting up with them earlier won’t change the expected outcome of your trip, but your patience would suffer significantly. Also, if you evade them for longer, you will gain additional amusements from the wolf with them.”
Wolf? “You mean Leonard?”
“That is the wolf I mean, yes. The Four Horses has agreed to deal with him, as an irritated lycanthrope male perceiving a danger to an eligible lycanthrope female is a sight to behold—and may wage war if a single opportunity is offered to him. I recommend against allowing him to have any opportunities, as he’ll steal your kill. You don’t want to throw the Geese of the Apocalypse at him. You might be tempted if he steals your kill.”
“The Four Horses?”
“Yes.”
“Of the Apocalypse?”
“Yes. Don’t worry. They like hell, so they’ll feel right at home in Australia. You’ll have a pair of cindercorns, a nightmare, the Four Horses, and a few other easily amused equines who love the idea of invading Australia and causing some trouble. You’ll be fine. Frankly, Icy is going to be the most normal four legged entity there.”
“WhatisIcy, anyway? If she’s not a zombie?”
“I haven’t named her species yet. My father said I could name them. We tend to take turns when we’re both involved with the creation of a new species.”
“But neither of you actually created her. I hit her with my truck, and a hotspot created her.”
“You would name her breed ice moose, and that’s just not classy enough.”
He made a good point. As such, I shrugged. “It’s accurate.”
“Anyway, Icy will have her supper here and come back to you soon enough, so don’t fret. She’s not confident enough in her teleportation skills to teleport with you yet without being coached, but that’ll happen in time. Oh, don’t let Icy close to any corpses you create.”
“Why not?”
“She’ll eat them. Why waste good meat?”
I shuddered. “I’ll make sure to do that. Thank you for the warning.”
“It wouldn’t be nice of me to offend your delicate Canadian sensibilities so early in our relationship. Enjoy your evening, go play some games on your laptop, read a book, have all the room service you want, and don’t forget to save a treat for Icy.” Lucifer hung up on me.
As a wise woman listened to good advice, I did as the Devil suggested.
