Page 47 of Plaidypus
Icy offered no commentary, which was likely for the better.
In the grandscheme of life, I had drawn a short straw while Icy might take over the world given a chance. Someone had bequeathed the moose with general knowledge of traffic laws, enabling her to navigate Perth’s streets without putting us in unnecessary danger. I failed to understand how her magic worked, but drivers reacted as though they were aware of our presence without truly registering the existence of a moose capable of keeping up with highway traffic.
I appreciated the goggles the Devil had provided, and I made a note to thank him later for his help. I’d also scold him regarding Icy and her elevation to a supreme being.
I was outclassed by a moose I’d killed with my truck. On that, me and my animals were agreed. My wolf sulked while my platypus did the equivalent of going to a corner and cursing me. A muttered promise of room service appeased the beasts—for the moment.
Upon acquiring a room at a decent hotel on the outskirts of Perth, the moose vanished with a pop. The man at the counter, with an accent I could barely decipher after spending so long among Canadians and French-Canadians, showed no evidence of having even seen her in the first place. To keep from looking even stranger, I thanked him and walked off in the direction of the elevators, which he’d called a lift. To my relief, nobody else was around, and considering the damned thing’s tight confines, I appreciated I wouldn’t have to figure out how to fit Icy inside.
Australian hotels were similar to their Canadian counterparts, which I found comforting. According to the Devil’s Guide to Australia, in most hotels, I wouldn’t need to concern myself with the various creepy-crawlies the country had to offer. Hotels tended to do their best to prevent dangerous critters from entering the rooms.
Then, as he wanted me to survive my journey and become his minion, he provided a pictural lesson on which sorts of creepy-crawlies to avoid. In Perth, the redback spider would be my primary nemesis, although there were others I should be aware of and give a wide berth.
To make it clear he understood I might, he included a warning to avoid petting any of the wildlife. If I wanted something or someone to pet, I could wait for an eligible lycanthrope to come around while wearing his fur coat.
As two could play the same game, I found a picture of Lucifer on the internet, figured out how to make my photo-editing app add text, and applied a bright red ‘Do Not Pet’ warning over his face before texting it to his number.
His reply informed me I was an entity of true evil, and he would enjoy capturing me as his minion.
As he hadn’t explicitly told me I couldn’t pet a kangaroo, I sent him a picture of one with ‘Pet’ labeled onto it.
His immediate answer, informing me I absolutely could not pet the kangaroo, amused me.
As I lacked a picture of Icy, I sent a generic picture of a moose cow with ‘Pet’ on it.
Rather than text me back, my phone rang, and I answered with, “Is that a no?”
“You can pet Icy, but you can’t pet wild moose. They will win. Don’t pet anything that’s on the list.”
“Koalas aren’t on the list, so I can pet those?”
“If it is Australian, don’t pet it. That includes the men and women.”
I giggled. As I had him on the phone anyway, I asked, “Were you aware Icy can teleport?”
“She is in the kitchen demanding food, which my little brother is providing, as he wisely doesn’t want to be eaten by the newest denizen of my many hells. I told her to come home for anything she wanted or needed, and it seems she needs some ice cream and possibly cake. I was not the one to teach her about cake, for the record.”
Oops. “I’m the one who gave her both of the neenish tarts I bought, so that’s my fault. I have some questions. Do zombie moose use the bathroom?”
“As she’s no longer technically a zombie, she does have bodily functions. As I’m wanting to get into your good graces, she is already trained to know where it’s acceptable to take care of her business. When you’re on a ride, she’ll just pull over and do what she needs to do. If you’re indoors, she’ll find an acceptable space or make use of a lava pool. Toilets are beyond her, although she will use a bathtub in an emergency. I figured potty training your moose was a little beyond what I could get away with.”
“I didn’t feed her enough, did I?”
“You fed her plenty, but she just finished her conversion, so she has heightened needs at the moment. But she knows to come here if she’s hungry, and we’ll provide. As I have you on the phone anyway, I have a suggestion for you, one that will keep the various people in my life from trying to kill me.”
“Since you’re feeding Icy, tell me what your suggestion is.”
“Tomorrow, plan your route to take you to Uluru. It’s sacred ground in Australia, both to the aboriginal people and most Australians. Someone has taken to defacing it recently, and I am going to pay you quite handsomely to deal with the problem. Consider it a peace offering for traumatizing many Australians when you unleash the Geese of the Apocalypse. Should you leave tomorrow, you will arrive at Uluru in plenty of time to witness the tail end of the desecration for yourself. Remember those gloves I gave you for the melons?”
“I remember them. They’re still in Icy’s packs.”
“The little melons are about the size of golf balls, and you should be able to take your temper out on your target. A good hit at the speed of moosecankill someone with a firm melon, assuming you have good aim. I recommend you practice throwing melons at the speed of moose on your way to Uluru. Alternatively, should you lose your temper, the individual behind the desecration is deserving of the Geese of the Apocalypse. Being beaten to death with those melons, however, might amuse or horrify the Australians. I’m okay with either.”
“Of course you are. You’re the Devil.”
“I’m so glad you noticed.”
“I’d noticed all along, but as you seemed to have no ill-intentions towards me, I decided not to judge. Not my place to. Eh, maybe not thesmartestmove on the planet, but if you’re going to be a decent fellow to me, I’m going to be decent back.”
