Page 45 of Plaidypus
I pressed my lips together to keep my giggles contained. When I could speak without breaking down into a fit of gleeful mirth, I said, “I’m plenty polite most of the time, Lucifer. I’m Canadian, after all.”
“You are the embodiment of the missing percentage of Canadian malice,” the Devil muttered, shaking his head. “I only want to know one thing from you, Father—and should you tell me, I’ll forgive you within ten minutes for whatever sin you’re going to commit against me, with the caveat you need to tell me when my time limit is up. Deal? Okay. Hit me with it.”
WhateverHetoldHisfallen son packed a punch, as Lucifer blinked several times before saying, “Huh.”
After a few minutes, he hung up, a rather puzzled expression on his face.
“Is everything okay?”
“My father is a prankster. That is the only explanation for this.”
“Well, I would certainly say so.Hecreated you.”
“That comment is evidence you truly are the human embodiment of Canadian malice. I’m telling my wife on you, and I’ll end up having to build yet another house in my many hells so you can visit often. I better include that in the job offer, along with all magics required for you to have a comfortable stay.”
“You should see me when I’m denied hot chocolate.”
“My hiring offer will include a hot chocolate stipend and a contact number for emergency hot chocolate deliveries.”
While I raised a brow at that, I could see myself accepting any reasonable offer including a hot chocolate stipend. “And this future mate commentary I keep hearing about?”
“No matter what my father says about predetermined fates and inevitability, youdoget a say in your mate, as do your animals. It just happens that my father is very good at judging who makes good partners for each other. The whole ability to see into the future helps with that. If you want a large, happy family where you get to torment me often, you likely want to do things my way. If you want to make your own future, make your own future. My father always tells the truth—but the truth can change depending on the actions of mortals. Right now, you are lined up to have a good mate, a large family, and all those happily ever after things humans tend to chase after. You’ll have to work for it, but the foundation is there. But you could decide to make a different happily ever after for yourself. As my minion, you will have to contend with me working towards giving you that happily ever after. I’m sure you’ll cope.”
Every time the Devil opened his mouth, he managed to catch me by surprise. “Are yousureyou’re the Devil?”
“When I take you to my many hells for the first time—when you’re coherent, mind you—I will prove that I am who I am. It will not be pleasant, but you will survive. But yes, I truly am Lucifer. Yes, I fell. Yes, I’m the prime evil.”
“You don’t seem all that evil to me. I mean, you’re giving me things to help me for no reason other than you can. Me? I threatened to throw the Geese of the Apocalypse at you.”
“That was rather amusing, yes. Evil is subjective, Nadine. It always has been. It always will be. There are only a few true evils.”
“Rape being one of them,” I guessed, thinking of the Devil’s commentary on what happened to those who violated another. “Is murder?”
“Not necessarily. Let me use your stone as an example. If you witness a human attempting to rape another human, and you throw your stone at the would-be rapist and kill him, it is murder. You have taken someone’s life. But while you committed an act of murder, you acted to prevent a true evil. The good you did, saving another from that violation, outweighs the evil of your act.Heconsiders all sides of the story. There is no side of the story where rape is tolerable inHiseyes. But killing in defense of another? That is somethingHerespects. The heart matters. If you killed the would-be rapist because you wanted to kill and cared nothing for the victim, then it would be a sin inHiseyes. As I said, it is subjective. InHiseyes, rape is never subjective. This is why so few sins are absolutes.”
“Well, that gave me some food for thought,” I admitted. “Is summoning the Geese of the Apocalypse an absolute evil?”
“In normal circumstances, yes. But as the Geese of the Apocalypse will rebalance the scales and ultimately do good, you’ll get off on a technicality. Just choose your target wisely. And on that happy note, I will leave you to your adventure. A piece of advice, if I may?”
“Sure.”
“Act surprised and appreciative when the cavalry shows up. They mean well, but none of them had the sense to ask me for my advice, so they’re doing things the old-fashioned way. I was certain my cindercorns would have had the sense to discuss this issue with me, but no. Not a single grain of sense among them. I was even the one who tipped them off, and they did not consult with me on how best to join you on your adventure.” Lucifer huffed, and he wrinkled his nose. “I was even prepared to hurry my plans on finding Icy a suitable partner so your future mate could have a good mount. But no, they didn’t consult with me. Ishould, perhaps, offer some mounts for their adventure, else they might end up chucking those damned melons out of cars at unsuspecting sources of evil. Do make sure you wear the gloves when you’re handling the road melons and do avoid throwing them at the current candidate for your affections. Idohope he puts on a good show. I took the liberty of informing him of your dastardly kidnapping at the hands of unscrupulous rapist lycanthropes. I recorded it for your entertainment, but I’ll show you only after he’s proven himself either way.”
Yep, every time Lucifer opened his mouth, he managed to surprise me in some fashion or another. “Did you call these men rapist lycanthropes? To a single male lycanthrope? If you think I’m a malicious Canadian, I’m only half Canadian, and I’ve heard about how cranky single male lycanthropes can get.”
“He’s my backup plan. If you don’t finish those fucking assholes off, he will. No matter how this plays out, those souls are not long for this world, and for good reason.”
The Devil disappeared, leaving me with a frosty, undead moose and more questions than answers.
THIRTEEN
I was outclassed by a moose I’d killed with my truck.
I appreciated whatever magic kept people from noticing Icy. I removed her gear, set it on a towel so the sand wouldn’t ruin it, and resumed reading my book while she lounged nearby and rested her head on my lap, doing an excellent job of keeping me cool despite the heat of the Australian sun beating down on us. According to my phone, I would need to go hunt for dinner in a few hours, which I expected would be an adventure considering the guide the Devil had left for me.
For some reason I couldn’t even begin to understand, Australians put perfectly good chocolate, shaped into frogs, in a pond of green or blue Jell-O. A note proclaimed I would only be exposed to the dish if I were to venture into a kids’ party—for the most part. The ‘most part’ of the Devil’s commentary worried me. The aptly named frogs in a pond would haunt my nightmares.
It didn’t help I’d been exposed to people putting random, terrible things into Jell-O since a young age, thus developing a strong distaste for Jell-O in general.
