Page 40 of Plaidypus
I went back to eating my brownie and ice cream, and once they were gone, I went for a steak, filling my mouth, so I wouldn’t say something I would regret.
“Foals for a week if I’m right,” the Devil announced.
“You are right, and I would be pleased to watch the foals while you send their parents off to Australia for a wild goose chase and take care of your little kitten.”
“Are we talking literal or figurative geese? I didn’tquitemanage to siphon all the malice of Canada into those feathered bastards,” Lucifer muttered.
Yahweh chuckled. “Which would you prefer?”
“I’m not sure the Australians are ready for two Canadians, let alone the manifestation of all Canadian malice,” the Devil admitted.
“It would be interesting, although the geese did not get all of Canada’s malice. They received most of it, but not all of it.”
“That it would be. I vote for literal wild geese of the variety normally found in Canada. Australians need to learn the true meaning of fear.” Lucifer grinned. “Since I have you here, old man, my little kitty is all right? She’s been hitting her fertility cycle a lot lately.”
“All is as it should be. Upon this cycle’s conclusion, you will find her much easier to feed for a while. You will become adept at handling her in the future, I am sure. Taking care of your little kitten is good for you. I will provide some guidance if you are tired and in need of rest from her relentless feeding. The gentler you are, the tamer she shall be. You are the cause of your woes, for you enjoy her fire more than you, perhaps, should.”
Lucifer sighed. “Right. Candles, warm bath, warm milk, and massages. And infused food, to prevent from waking her nature after I settle her down. I should have known.”
“She loves you at your best, just as she loves you at all other times, and you always try to do your best by her. But if you want a calm succubus, you have to provide a calm environment. Right now, you provide a rather alluring environment and unleash her wildness along with yours. Try reading in bed for a few weeks, once she’s through her current cycle. You have gotten precisely what you deserve in the form of a hungry kitten.”
I paused in my eating to say, “Eh, I’m stuck on the fact Lucifer is married, and judging from what I’m hearing, it’s a healthy relationship.”
Yahweh snickered, and I became aware of a patting pressure on my shoulder. “My son is a most excellent husband. He learned what not to do from all those souls he needed to rehabilitate. He still needs to learn the finer points of cultivating a restful environment, but he does well by his little kitten. Her name is Darlene, and she is a beloved creation, as is her brother. I have done much good work in his many hells with those two.”
“If I were religious, I would be questioning a lot of things right now,” I admitted, trying to wrap my head around the whole idea the God of Christianity adoredHisfallen son. “I was under the impression you two hated each other.”
“So much hate,” Lucifer muttered, and he stared in the direction of the door, away from the presence behind me.
“A word of a lie shall not pass through my lips. I will respectfully refer to my son’s masterful use of sarcasm.”
“I was being sarcastic?”
“Yes,”Yahweh replied.
“When my father does that, I’m a wise child and shut up, as it’s clear he has won.He’swon, and all you’re going to do is dig your hole deeper. And because Yahweh is a father,He’llenjoy every moment you spend digging that hole. That’s what fathers do. My father is a pony shapeshifter, and he’s a furry ball of spite. I don’t think your father is furry, and I’m not sure about the spite part, either, butHe’swon.” I speared a piece of steak and chewed on it. “Strangely, it’s comforting realizing you’re just part of a very strange family. I thought you’d both be sticks in the mud, just polar opposites on the morality chart.”
“She will make a marvelous minion for you,” Yahweh stated. “And your cindercorns would enjoy an adventure to Australia to rescue the helpless maiden.”
“What helpless maiden?”
“You.”
“I’m helpless?”
“For my current intents and purposes, yes. You are helpless.”
“I don’t want to be helpless. Can I pass on your generous offer? But I’ve always wanted to go to Australia. It sounds interesting. Possibly lethal, but interesting.”
Lucifer snickered. “You’re right. She’ll be an excellent minion. I trust you have peeked into the future regarding her mate?”
“I am guilty of such a thing. I wanted to make certain the right individuals are in attendance. There is the issue of the moose we must attend to, however.”
“Ah, the ice zombie created at the hot spot?” Lucifer nodded. “All right, what do you want with the moose, old man?”
“The moose’s nature needs a slight adjustment, and as I have need of a new angel flitting around my heavens, I thought you might like to lay claim over the moose and bequeath her with heightened intelligence and some other abilities. I will provide the seed to finish the process. The poor thing is unfinished, and she knows her fate and doesn’t understand why she has been separated from her human. The next time I have need of a new angel, I will provide a seed for a male moose of the same type to keep her company. And they shall be able to procreate every rare now and again, when the conditions I set are met. They are not quite equines, but it is quite hot in Australia, and it wouldn’t do if your new minion expired from the heat of an Australian summer.”
“You want something,” Lucifer accused. “What do you want, old man?”
