Page 74 of Plaidypus
“I’m accepting the lack of consequences for the duration of that vacation.”
Lucifer smirked. “So much temptation, so much time. How long will you last?”
I snorted a laugh. “Maybe five minutes after he takes his shirt off and invites me to play?”
“You know what to do, Leonard. Send me a list of places you might enjoy, and I’ll make certain the CDC understands you’ll be off working on being happily mated rather than eternally grouchy. Also, don’t be surprised if your father ends up eating another snake. Ponies on a mission aren’t the brightest of creatures, and he really isn’t suited for Australia in the summer. I’ll make sure Icy helps keep him cool. Just make sure your mother buys him some blankets, because he’s shedding, and he’ll be cold for the rest of the winter at home.”
My father would drive me crazy at the rate he was going. “Why didn’t he just go as a human?”
“I’ve learned to not ask that question if I value my life. Do yourself a favor and just wonder,” Lucifer advised.
“I promise I’m saner than the rest of my family, Leonard.”
“I had figured that out on my own, but thank you for the confirmation.”
Lucifer teleportedus all to Uluru, otherwise known as Ayers Rock. While I’d been warned there would be high chances that the little fluffy bundle of joy I knew as my father would be causing some form of trouble, I hadn’t expected him to be whipping some Australian man with the corpse of a rather long snake.
To my relief, my father held the snake by the middle rather than the head.
That left me with the problem of my father beating some Australian with a dead snake.
Leonard leaned over and whispered. “He’s even cuter than I imagined.”
The Pale Horse of Death bobbed his head and whinnied. Icy joined the horse in mimicking the motion, although she made more of a trumpeting sound rather than a whinny.
Upon closer inspection of the scene, I discovered a bucket of paint, some rather offensive markings on the towering red stone, and came to the conclusion there was only one right choice to make.
My father could use a dead snake, and I’d use my stash of paddy melons to teach the asshole a lesson before sending him straight to hell. Huffing, I tightened my legs around Icy’s barrel, grabbed my gloves, stuffed my hands into them, and armed myself with melons. The instant my father gave me an opening, I flung the first one. I missed, hitting the graffiti on the stone.
The melons had defined terrible when picked, but they smelled even worse when they exploded due to close contact with a rock. While disgusted over the stench, I threw another one, this time hitting my mark.
Leonard grunted when he spotted the graffiti on the stone. “Ah. Like father, like daughter—and everyone else in this group.” Donning his gloves, Leonard dug out his share of the melons, took aim, and fired.
“I feel I should be doing something to stop this,” my brother muttered.
“Oh, you’re here?” I hadn’t noticed him join the group, and with a shrug, I kept throwing melons whenever my father was sufficiently out of the way to avoid hitting him. A few pelted him in the rump, which drew his attention to me. “Ponies aren’t supposed to eat snakes, Dad.”
My father spit the snake out and transformed, not caring a bit he stood naked so everyone could admire his physique. “Oh. There you are.”
“You’re in the way.” I bounced a melon in my hand, waited for him to move, and pelted the asshole desecrator with my ammunition. “What was he writing on the rock when you found him?”
“Death wishes to various groups, including women, along with some cult symbols. Then he signed all that stuff inHisname, and it pissed me off.”
Well, that explained a lot. “Leonard, can you see if there’s something my father can wear, please?” As I suspected the vampires would try to get a quick meal out of the asshole—and possibly get sick if he’d gotten bitten before my father had been reduced to beating the asshole with the dead snake—I eyed my brother, Ernesto, and Pierina. “Someone that damned dumb would not be good for your digestion. If you want to cast stones, you’ll have to use the melon variety.”
Both my brother and Pierina stared at Ernesto.
The ancient vampire eyed the wet paint on the red stone, inhaled, and shook his head. “I would rather be the hand that helped remove the stain on this beautiful and ancient land.”
Bailey and Sam, both of whom had come as unicorns, went to my father and took turns sniffing him over and snorting with a hint of flame. My father, determined to prove he lacked common sense, laughed and petted them both, apologizing he’d gotten creative with detainment.
He didn’t sound all that sorry to me.
The asshole destined for a session with Lucifer in his many hells lurched to his feet, glaring with bloodshot eyes.
However much I hated the sin, I refused to be one who held no mercy for the sinner. “It would be cruel to beat him to death with stones, Lucifer. Can you just make him quietly disappear into your many hells? Enough damage has been done today.”
I wondered if love, care, and cleaning supplies would truly remove the stain the asshole’s hate had left on the land.
