Page 69 of Plaidypus
“I think not,” the vampire replied. “Very well. You make a good point.”
“That’s what I like about you, Ernesto. You accept when someone brings up something for you to consider. You may not like it, but you accept it. And on that happy note, shall we get this show on the road? We have stores to conquer, campfires to build, food to eat, and men or women to seduce depending on your personal preference.”
The Pale Horse of Death came up alongside Icy, and Leonard whispered, “Am I supposed to be rescuing you from this?”
“At this point, I really don’t know, but I suspect by the time we’re done here, Australia is going to politely ask us to leave and never return.”
Raising a brow, Leonard stared at me. “Politely?”
“I haven’t met any rude Australians yet.”
“Yet. But when you do, I suppose you’ll be unleashing the Geese of the Apocalypse on them.”
I grinned. “And the rest of them will be smart enough to be polite to the crazy woman who just unleashed the Geese of the Apocalypse.”
“While faultless, your logic terrifies me.”
In a way, it terrified me as well. “Well, if some crazed lycanthrope with a morality problem hadn’t ruined my perfectly good road trip, I wouldn’t be willing to unleash the Geese of the Apocalypse. Maybe next time, they’ll think before doing stupid shit like cutting a deal with a devil. They didn’t even cut a deal withtheDevil. I’m a quality Canadian. They should have at least bargained over me properly. I’d still unleash the Geese of the Apocalypse on their worthless asses, but at least I would have respected the effort they put in.”
Leonard’s low chuckle intrigued my animals. “Good to know. Go big or go home.”
“Or bring hot chocolate, because honestly… you don’t need to go bigorhome if you’re armed with cocoa. But make it the good stuff. I havesomestandards.”
NINETEEN
The speed of moose translated to roughly a hundred and sixty kilometers an hour.
Mindful of what Lucifer claimed we would find at Uluru, I went on a mission to gather road melons, which the locals knew as paddy melons. In short order, I found both types, and I made sure to keep the toxic ones in one bag and the edible ones in the other.
I had plans for the edible melons, and those plans involved cooking them over a campfire before our trip to hell. Unlike most, I looked forward to my trip to hell. I expected good accommodations, a chance to soak in a nice tub, and better company. The company, in the form of a male wolf I wanted to spend a few hours sniffing thanks to the influence of both my animals, stayed close. I appreciated that, especially since I kept catching him looking me over with interest.
I could work with interested. Most of my bar dives for partners rarely got to the point of interested, but I would improvise—or take the Devil’s advice and address the problem directly.
There was something to the Devil’s commentary about snuggling, as both of my animals wanted attention, and they didn’t care what form the attention came in as long as they felt warm, safe, and loved.
In some ways, I suspected they were a reflection of myself despite having distinctive personalities.
While I made frequent stops to pick road melons, we made good time.
The speed of moose translated to roughly a hundred and sixty kilometers an hour.
I suspected Icy could go faster, but the other mounts protested. According to Darlene, we were on an unconventional vacation, and that meant we shouldn’t inflict excessive amounts of exercise upon ourselves.
“Why are you collecting those things?” Leonard asked after I asked Icy to halt near a patch, determining I’d found more of the inedible variety best used as weapons against desecrating assholes. “You’ve stopped at least ten times now.”
“Unconventional weapons,” I replied, adding a bunch of the hardest ones to my collection. “I have plans to throw these at people I don’t like. These aren’t even very ripe, so as long as my aim is good, I should do some decent damage. And even if I don’t hit my mark, if I beat someone with enough of these, they might die. Eventually. I plan on drawing it out.”
Everyone stopped and stared at me, and of the group, only Darlene and Lucifer laughed at my commentary.
“What? It’s true. This stuff is good ammunition. The other melons are edible, but they should be cooked first. I want to try them, and since they’re pretty small, I’ve been getting enough for everybody to try.” I shrugged and resumed picking the melons, which had a rather pungent odor. “Thanks for the advice about the gloves, but couldn’t you have donesomethingabout the smell?”
“Just think about how that’s the last thing the asshole will smell before he heads off to my dungeon.”
I sniffed the melon, careful not to touch it to my nose. “Now I’m thinking these don’t smell bad enough. They’re bad, but they’re notthatbad. I’ve smelled worse.”
“You hunt, so you’ve smelled offal. That’s generally worse than those melons,” Lucifer agreed. “You probably have enough of them to do them job now, especially if we put them in the freezer tonight. I can use some magic on the bag to make certain they remain frozen—and preserve their stench.”
“What is that going to cost me?”
