Page 49 of Plaidypus
FOURTEEN
All in all, I couldn’t tell which one of us was the pet.
Icy returned shortly after my room service order arrived, and mindful of the Devil’s warning I should share, I gave the moose a taste of everything I had in addition to the entire plate of roast beef, mashed potatoes, and vegetables I’d ordered just for her.
Feeding a former herbivore meat baffled me, but as the moose, with her new sharp and pointy fangs, ate as though she’d never had anything better in her entire life, I went along with it.
Some people had horses.
I had a carnivorous moose with built-in air conditioning and the ability to teleport.
Once fed, I put the empty trays and dishes outside the door as I’d been instructed and settled in to relax. Icy followed me around, and like when I lounged on the beach, she rested her head nearby and stared at me with sad eyes until I paid her the attention she was owed.
All in all, I couldn’t tell which one of us was the pet.
Fortunately for my sanity and Lucifer’s wallet, Icy did a good job of staying on the floor where she belonged. When morning came, she left no trace of her presence in the room. As soon as I had her saddled and bridled, she teleported away, leaving me to take a shower and get ready to leave in the morning. I checked out and found Icy waiting for me outside, pawing at the ground in what I translated to be impatience to get on the road. As Lucifer hadn’t led me astray yet, I set my phone to guide us to Uluru, which was located in the heart of Australia. The Devil’s Guide to Australia warned me about the various hazards in the central region of the continent, including but not limited to the extreme heat and dry conditions, venomous snakes, and the local wildlife, mostly the dingoes, although there were other predatory animals in the area. A note informed me Icy could handle most of the dangers, and as long as I stayed with her, I wouldn’t run much of risk of death from the blistering sun.
As not much risk of death was notnorisk of death, I made use of the internet to put together a shopping list of what sensible people took with them when they made the less-than-sensible decision to go into the Australian Outback unprepared. As I was as unprepared as it got, I directed my phone to take me to the nearest store I could find carrying camping equipment, sunblock, and other useful things for those venturing into hostile terrain. As my first look at Uluru on the internet came with a multi-page warning about how treacherous the heat and surrounding area could be, I opted to believe the tourist guides.
And, after taking a few moments to read a summary of the formation’s history, I understood better why anyone with any common sense would be offended over the defacing of the natural monument. I particularly appreciated that everyone, excepting those willing to desecrate sacred ground, held the place in equal regard albeit for different reasons. I’d always found the dividing line between cultures to be sad once I stopped to think about it.
It wasn’t hard for one group to respect the sacred ground of another, and I appreciated that all Australian people had managed to come together despite their differences. For that reason alone, I would take my visit to the landmark seriously.
And I’d even consider unleashing the Geese of the Apocalypse on the desecrator—or desecrators.
I could send Mr. Turner to hell just as easily with a gun, road melons, or my fist, where the crimes of the desecrators seemed more worthy of the little black stone and its feathered horrors.
Assuming Icy could sustain a hundred kilometers an hour for roughly eight hours in a day, I’d reach Uluru in five days by the southern route and in just over three days in the most direct route. Knowing my brother and his companions would be taking the southern route decided me.
I would put Icy through her paces, get a good head start, and hit up some tourist stops along the way. After I tired of being alone, I’d lounge around in a nice spot and wait for a herd of crabby unicorns, vampires, and others destined to show up. Thanks to the power of the internet, I found some nice places to visit.
I’d even pay some healthy respect for any warning signs I came across and refer to the Devil’s Guide to Australia.
Thus far, I hadn’t encountered anything terrifying.
I expected it had something to do with a magically protected hotel and being in the city. I expected the first time I came across a huntsman spider, my soul would be at high risk of fleeing my body. I could handle normal spiders.
Spiders the size of my head crossed my lines, and I didn’t care if they weren’t venomous. Knowing Australia had more than its fair share of venomous spiders would keep me on guard.
On second thought, was there a reason I couldn’t impose on Lucifer, and go to his house to sleep and return to my trip the following morning? If given a chance, would Australian spiders try to eat me?
Determined to find out, I dialed the Devil’s number.
“It didn’t take you long to become assertive. How can I help you? Can I use this against you when I give you my hiring proposal?”
“If you give me the answer I want, I’d promise to show up for the interview, give you strong consideration, and I’d ask someone who likes you what my offer should be.”
“You had me until you said that thing about asking someone who likes me about the offer. Ask someone who doesn’t like me, they get better offers.”
Huh. “But I want to be fair about my counteroffer.”
“This is a case where you are being a little too Canadian. I’m the Devil. I’m one hell of an employer, and you should be paid accordingly. I’ll have one of my more ruthless employees help you with the offer. Having reviewed your past work history, I’m concerned you will need to be prepared for the reality of the offer.”
My eyes widened. “Are you saying I might earn six figures?”
Lucifer sighed. “As you would be in my closer circles, and you have already carried your burdens, I can say youwillearn six figures. I won’t even make an offer for that low, not for someone who is working the world on my behalf. I always make my offers to cover expenses anywhere my minions may wish to live, and if I require my minions to live somewhere they don’t choose, I provide housing. Your earnings are for the things youwant, not for the things youneed.As I am the supreme being of evil, I understand how evil operates—and how the stupid evils of the world lose good employees. As such, I’m the world’s best employer, and that is without exaggeration. Why would you betray me when no corporation or evil-doer on your Earth would compensate you anywhere near as well as I will? As I will treat you far better than you might believe you are worth, I will have your loyalties. I understand loyalty—and I understand how to avoid undermining those loyalties. It’s one of the perks of being evil, really. I’m evilwithoutbeing stupid, and being betrayed because I didn’t pay sufficiently is a self-made problem. I avoid those. Humans will do an astonishing amount for those who treat them well. I prefer to limit my evils to those deserving, and I save myself a great deal of trouble at the same time.”
I blinked, did a check of Icy’s gear while I thought about it, and led her to a concrete planter nearby, so I could use it to help me scramble onto her back. Once in place, I said, “I never really thought about it that way.”
