Page 84 of What It's Like in Words
What does that mean?
It ismythirtieth, Roo.
I know it’syourthirtieth.You’rethe one that didn’t want us to celebrate together.
What doesthatmean? I said, borrowing her words. Who else would I want to celebrate with?
She looked at me like the answer was obvious. I told her that I never wanted to celebrate with Virinder and I certainly never wanted a surprise party. She said that Virinder insisted this was what I wanted. I reminded her that she knew me better than he did.
So, this ismyfault? she said in a higher-than-normal pitch.
I reached for the creases in her coat. Look, Roo, I don’t know what’s happening with us but it’s fucking freezing. Can we please go inside? But neither of us moved. I asked why she hadn’t told me about the job. She said that shewantedto tell me. I shook my head. Don’t. We don’t play those games. She said it wasn’t a game.
I didn’t tell you, Enola, because you didn’t ask! You were meant to help me for my interview, remember? But you were at Virinder’s. Man. It’s like you’re disappearing again but in a totally different way this time.
Okay, but—
Do you know that you’re the last of my friends to meet Sally? Do you know how weird that is?
Ruth looked like she was about to cry. I wanted to hug her, but Sasha poked their head out and asked if we were coming. I said that I had to work in the morning, and Sasha laughed: Why on earth did you have a party?
The plan formed without my input, until everyone was standing with their shoes on by the front door. Sally told me that it was lovely to meet me. Chris couldn’t stand up straight. Sasha apologized for the mess. Ruth was swaying slightly. I told Sasha to make sure she drank a pint of water before bed. Ruth snapped that I wasn’t a doctor.
I closed the door behind them and leaned against the wood, listening to their voices disappear. My eyes were stinging and my feet were aching. I was so frustrated, soangry. But then someone knocked. I opened the door, hoping to find Ruth laughing at how absurd we had been, but it was Virinder.
I thought you went home! What are you still doing here?
I looked at my wrist like there was a watch there.
He didn’t say anything. I repeated the question. He still didn’t say anything. I wanted to tap my foot. Then he spoke: Why didn’t you follow me? I asked what he was talking about but he just said it louder:Why didn’t you follow me?He looked up to the corner of the ceiling and inhaled like he was fighting for his life.
Look, Virinder. It’s my birthday. I’ve been working all day. I just want to sit down and—
I’ve been working too.
Yes, but you planned this party,I thought.
I asked if we could please talk tomorrow. He told me that if I cared about him, I would have followed him when he left. He shook his head and told me that he deserved better. I wanted to tell him how absurd that was, but then he asked the question that had been burning a hole, the question that I had been too afraid to ask when I had been in his position: Do you love me?
What? I asked, to buy time.
It’s always me trying.
If this is about the champagne and the meals then—
No! It’s aboutyou,Enola. I try and get you to open up—I thought perhaps when you were finished with the book—but you’ve actually become more distant! I keep thinking that you’ll get there but… You know, most people would say that I’m a catch.
And just like that I was furious.
Virinder, where were you?
When?
Well, you left and reappeared twenty minutes later so—
He ran his hands through his hair.
—where were you?
