Page 85 of What It's Like in Words
He told me that he had been hiding by the rubbish chute. I took a breath and held it, partly to steady myself and partly to demonstrate that I needed steadying. Virinder, you tell me you’re leaving; I assume you’re leaving. I’m not chasing you down the fucking hall. He told me not to swear. I told him to grow up. We stood for a minute; then he said that hewasleaving. I tapped my foot. He said that he had put the lilies in water and added the sachet. He waited for me to thank him. I didn’t and he left.
The living room was strewn with glasses and teaspoons of half-eaten vodka jelly. And I had run out of bin bags.Fuck.I didn’t know who I was angrier at: Virinder, Ruth, or myself. No, it was me. I had snapped at Sally. I had argued with Ruth. I had hurt Virinder in the same way that I had been hurt and I wasn’t even sure I felt bad about it. I was a horrible person and this was a horrible birthday. Worse than my fourteenth, when I had mumps, and my eighteenth, when my mum forgot. I picked up my phone from the coffee table to text Ruth and found a message:
Happy birthday, Gay. Get everything you wanted? x
CHAPTER 29
America was voting on their president. Trump was probably a rapist, but Hillary had sent an email from the wrong account. It had been four days since my party, and Ruth and I still hadn’t spoken. I was sat with two gin and tonics when she arrived in an oversize sports jacket and red dungarees. Her expression was uninterpretable, but then she smiled.Thank god.Roo, I’m so sorry.
She shook her head. Don’t be. I was drunk. I’ve just had stuff going on.
What stuff?
It doesn’t matter.
It does matter. Please tell me. What stuff?
Ruth played with the button on her jacket. I just think sometimes everyone thinks that I’m flaky and shit. And I get it because Iamflaky and shit. But maybe I want to change and I can’t do that if everyone keeps telling me how flaky and shit I am.
You’re not flaky or sh—
Virinder joked about it.
What?
We were planning the party and he joked about me not keeping a job. And, Enola, he said it in this way like you guys laugh about it all the time. I expect that stuff from Emily, and Mum, even, but not you.
I stretched out my hand. Ruth, no. I think that you’re the mostexceptional person and I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize how much this job meant to you.
She said that she had been afraid that she was losing me to the pod people of Primrose Hill. I told her that she would never lose me to anyone, person or hill. She laughed, and her cheeks dimpled. I told her how sorry I was that Virinder made her plan my thirtieth. That must have been really weird. She replied that it had been, and she couldn’t completely explain why. There was a moment between us; then we redirected our hands to our drinks.
I asked when she started her new job. She told me January, but there was a training thing in Bath next Thursday. Do you remember at school when we had to build bridges out of tape and straws? I reminded her that our bridge had been predominantly tape because she hadn’t waited for me to come up with a plan. She retorted that in the time it was taking for me to come up with a plan, we could have constructed the Sistine Chapel. Then she leaned in like she was about to tell me a secret: I’m actually excited. It’s a new company, so I’ll be creating the role. And because of what the charity does, I get to travel. I might even be able to go to Colombia!
Ruth had never spoken about a job with enthusiasm before. I told her that I was sorry for not asking sooner. She circled the rim of her glass. I should have just told you, she said. I was being petty or jealous or something, I don’t know.
We looked at each other and smiled. The clouds lifted, and I felt lighter.
I told Ruth that I liked Sally, and a dusky blush spread across her freckles. I said that I would love to meet her properly, when I wasn’t ambushed in my own house. Ruth said that Virinder wasn’t one to take no for an answer. What is it with you and these men?
Ruth didn’t know yet, but I had gone to Virinder’s on Sunday. He had opened the door and gestured to his dining table, where candles were lit.My ex is back in the picture. I thought your ex was a dickhead? I’m sorry. You know, that’s not as helpful as you think it is.Ihad gathered my belongings while he stared into the sink like it held the answers I didn’t.I’m not waiting for you, Enola.
I told Ruth that we broke up. I worried that she might be upset that I hadn’t told her sooner, but she just said that she was sorry and she didn’t think that he was right for me. You never seemed happy. I mean, you didn’t seemunhappybut you didn’t seem happy either. I told her that I wanted to want him because he was so perfect. Ruth said that he wasn’t perfect. I asked her if she thought that I was a sociopath because I didn’t feel bad, and she said that sociopaths didn’t worry about being sociopaths.
Do you think this is howhefelt when we broke up in January?
Oh, Laa, who can say whatactualsociopaths feel?
She told me that Virinder may not have been perfect, but he was, at least, the kind of man you could call to help you drag a body across the kitchen floor.
I told her that I would callherfor that.
She suggested that we get another drink. Then, baring her teeth, she asked how Virinder had taken the news. I replied that he had taken it surprisingly well.
I just told him that my ex was back in the picture.
Her head shot up.Is he?
Shit.
