Page 83 of What It's Like in Words
Gremlins? suggested Sally. Ruth burst out laughing and put her head on Sally’s shoulder, and Sally looked thrilled. Virinder said that Iwaslike a little gremlin. I asked him if he had seen the film, and hesaid, No, are they like Pokémon? I told Ruth to stop feeding Amy vodka jelly. Sasha whispered to Ruth who whispered to me that they had some coke?Fuck it,I thought. When in Rome. Virinder, who hadn’t properly heard, declared that helovedRome, and he and Amy began discussing the Vatican.
We went to the bathroom, where Sasha made some lines on the edge of the bath. Sally perched on the toilet. She was a tiny human, and with her knees pulled to her chin, she fit perfectly. Sasha stretched across the length of the floor, their long legs in flared pink denim. Ruth draped herself in the bath as if she were in a music video, and I crouched against the door. Sally asked me if I was having a nice birthday, and Ruth said that I hated surprises. Sally asked why she had planned me a surprise party then. Ruth said that it was what my boyfriend wanted.
Why did she say “boyfriend” like that?
Sally told me that Virinder was nice, and Ruth turned to me. Do you ever worry that when people constantly tell you how nice your boyfriend is, it means that they think you aren’t?
Okay, Sasha said, sitting up. Sal?
She’s Sal already?
Sasha handed Sally a rolled-up five-pound note, and she did the first line and then passed the note to Ruth, who did the fattest one in the middle. Sasha did the long one at the end, then handed me the note. I split the difference and did half of the remaining one. Instantly, I felt that numbing chemical drip. I had only done coke twice. The first time, I panicked that my throat was closing up and made Ruth search the warehouse for something we could use for a tracheotomy. But by the time we found scissors and a straw, the sensation had passed.
The door hit my back. Hello, is this where the party is? We beckoned Chris in. Ruth indicated for me to join her in the bath, so I slotted between her legs while Chris squatted by the door. Sasha handed him the note, and he finished my line. I whispered in Ruth’s ear: Why did you invite Chris? She moved my hair off my cheek andwhispered back that he had been surprisingly fun at karaoke. I told her that she thought everyone was surprisingly fun, and she replied in the manner she always did, that everyonewassurprisingly fun. I smiled, but then I had a thought. Ruth took everybody as they came. She always found the fun in them. But she had never givenhimthe benefit of the doubt. I shuffled up the bath away from her and rested my elbows where Sasha had presented the lines. Sally smiled over my head at Ruth. She had small, neat white teeth, and rosacea gave her cheeks a blush. Was Ruth smiling back?
Woooweee, Chris said, like an extra doing coke in a film.
PEOPLE LEFT FOR LASTtrains, and Sasha turned the lights down. Amy told me that she had a hen in the morning. I would stay longer, but honestly, hon, we were waiting for an hour. She shouted:Floo! Ahmed is one minute away.
Ruth put onCeremonialsand smiled at me from across the room. We’d seen Florence and the Machine at Alexandra Palace four years ago. Before him. Before Brexit and Bowie and Trump. Before the apocalypse. We’d added MDMA to the rum, but it only hit after the gig, and so we ran barefoot across the grass under the full moon.
The album played and one by one people came up to me as in confession to tell me, unwarranted, what they thought of me. Sasha told me that when Ruth introduced us, they hadn’t thought that we would be friends. You seemed a little cold? They kissed me on the lips and asked if I wanted more coke. I shook my head, and they rubbed their gums.
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me.
Something in the lyrics made me think of him.
Birthday girl! Birthday girl!Chris chanted like at a football match. He said that he didn’t realize I was fun. You always seemed uptight. I told him that he always seemed like a cunt. But he didn’t hear me. He jumped us up and down before flopping on the sofa, sniffing a drink in front of him and drinking it.
Ruth had her arms around Sally in the kitchen. The moonlightfrom the window connected them. Ruth said something and then left. Sally came over, and I pretended that I hadn’t been staring. Sally said that she had been nervous to meet me. Her breath smelled sweet like rum and coke. You mean so much to Ruth, she said, playing with the small silver hoop in her lobe.
I know that, I said.
She laughed nervously and switched to the other ear. She said that Ruth was really excited about the new job. I asked her what new job, and Sally’s face changed. Did you not know? I looked around the room. I hadn’t seen Virinder in a while. I told Sally that I was going to find him.
I hope I haven’t said—
No, not at all.
Ruth was in the bathroom. I could hear singing through the door. She was even a brilliant singer. Why did that annoy me? I checked the bedroom; Virinder wasn’t there, but Amy had left her cashmere scarf on the bed. I knew it was cashmere because she told me. I went back into the living room and found him on the balcony facing the skyscrapers. The wind whipped the building, and the edges of his blue jacket were flapping. Like a movie villain, without turning, he asked if I had taken some.
Some what?
Don’t play dumb, Enola.Cocaine.
Half a line. Why?
He said that he didn’t take me as someone who did drugs. I replied that Itookdrugs; I didn’tdodrugs. He asked if there was a difference. I said that there was enough of one. He told me that my eyes were saucers. I told him that it was only half a line. He told me that it was hypocritical of my left-wing hipster friends to be okay with coke. It’s upholding some of the world’s worst regimes. Not to mention the trafficking. And you do know your doors are glass?
I looked behind me: inside people were dancing and hugging and kissing; it looked warm and safe.
And?
Andyou’ve barely spoken to me all evening. I’m not an idiot. I know something is wrong, Enola.
I quickly rehearsed what I was going to say but I stopped myself from saying it. It didn’t matter if he was being unreasonable, because he was right, and I couldn’t keep lying to him. I told him that I was sorry and he told me that he was going home. I said that I would call him tomorrow, and his face fell, as if he were hoping I might have said something different. He said thathewould callmeand then he left.
Ruth came out wearing her gray raincoat. She said that they were going to Bethnal Green. Are you coming? She was avoiding eye contact. I asked if shewantedme to come.
