Page 89 of What It's Like in Words
I just knowyou, Enola.
I took a deep breath and explained that being with Virinder had made me think about things. She told me that she didn’t know where to start. I asked her to please not judge me, and she said that she wasn’tjudging, she wasworrying. I played with my hands. Roo, sometimes your worry can feel like judgment. She looked at me incredulously.
It’s true, I said. I can tell what you’re thinking.
Okay. What am I thinking?
That I’m a shit feminist who gets lost in my relationships.
That would make you a shitfriend, not a shit feminist.
The kettle clicked, and it was only when she added milk that I realized she wasn’t making two cups. Aren’t you having one? She shook her head and left the tea on the side for me to pick up.
Ruth’s room was a white rectangle with a white mattress on the floor. There was no other furniture apart from a metal clothes rail. The walls were covered in Polaroids, sketches, and clippings of things that she found interesting. She had plants by the window, and a hanging ivy reached her pillow. It looked more like the room of a writer than mine.
She sat on the bed, but I stayed by the door. My coat was still on because I had missed the moment to remove it. Ruth was looking at me, and so I started the conversation by saying that she saw the best in everyone apart from him. She responded that it wasn’t about him. We don’t have to like each other’s partners as long as they make us happy. Does he make you happy, Enola? I thought about the way he had dropped the bath bomb with a childish “kaboom.”
Yes, I answered. He does.
And the times when he doesn’t?
I told her that she was just remembering the bits she wanted to remember, and she said that I was hardly one to talk. She rubbed her forehead. I can’t have this fight again, Enola. Just tell me what you’ve come to tell me. I explained that I had been soul-searching and that, in hindsight, I realized I had been oversensitive. She shook her head and said that, if anything, I wasn’t sensitive enough. He was abusive, Enola.
Abuse is subjective.
Someone’s intentions aren’t subjective. He made you feel like shit.
Or didImakemyselffeel like shit? Because when I was with Virinder, I felt suffocated and—
The world isn’t made up of two men! It is possible for both of them not to be right for you! And, Enola, he is not right for you. Until he sorts his shit out, he isn’t going to be right for anyone.
I left my tea on the floor—I hadn’t really wanted it, I had just wanted things to feel relaxed—and sat next to her on the mattress. Ruth, I think perhaps I’ve been going through something these two years and maybe I projected that onto him?
She took my hand and said that she thought that was true. Kenya must have brought up a lot, and I know that your dad could be—
I snatched my hand back and returned to the door. Why would you bring up my dad?
I’m sorry, I thought that’s what you were saying!
That’s literally the opposite of what—
I took a steadying breath.
I wassayingthat the relationshipwasn’t—Look, my dad was incredible, okay?
Ruth ran her tongue over her gums the way that she did when she was uncomfortable. But I was uncomfortable too. Fine, Enola. I shouldn’t have mentioned your dad, but stop lying to me. Going back there was hard. And you’ve admitted that much. You got back and fell apart. That can’t have all been about him. I’m sorry, but it can’t have been.
That’s exactly what I’m saying—that he wasn’t to blame.
No. That sounds like what I’m saying, but it’s not.
So, what are you saying?
I’m saying that maybe you should try and think about yourself. You’ve literally gone from one relationship to another and now you’re telling me that you’re getting back with him. Withhim.The man who made you cry every day, who made you so anxious that you started hurting yourself—
I was not hurting myself! Don’t be so dramatic!
She cried out in frustration and said that she was so sick of hiding her feelings about this. I laughed.
