Page 90 of What It's Like in Words
Come on. Ruth, when have youeverhidden your feelings?
She said that she hid her feelings all the time when it came to him. She said that he lied to me, manipulated me, played on my emotions, and then made me feel guilty for having them. She told me that deepdown I knew it but that I loved him so much I didn’t care. Then she inhaled sharply and said: Your dad—
No! Stop it!
I told her that I was sick of hiding my feelings too. I said that she made me feel like a shit friend for not talking about her life, but then whenever I tried to, she pushed me away. I said that she wasn’t upset abouthim. She was scared becauseherlife was changing. She looked hurt and said that it was unfair to use what she had told me last week against her. I said that she was using my childhood against me. She shouted that it wasn’tagainstme, it wasforme. I said that I didn’t realize her latest career was in psychology.
Don’t… she said, shaking her head.
Don’t what?
Be a bitch.
Oh, can we use that word now?
Stop! Ruth shouted, her voice squeezed through a straw. She put her hands over her face, and the blood drained from my own. I rushed to her side and put my arms around her. She was hurt. I had hurt her. I’m so sorry, I repeated over and over. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. She wiped her nose on the back of her hand like a toddler.
Enola, she said, he breaks you, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to put you back together again.
All the king’s horses?
Don’t joke.
Sorry.
Ruth ran her hands back through her hair. You won’t listen to me, but will you please just do this one thing? Ask yourself what you really want and what makes you happy. Promise me that you will look inward and think about it, Laa.Think about how he makes you feel.
When the police dropped me off at Catherine’s house, Jon was on the phone and Catherine was cleaning the cupboards. But Ruth was showing me what went first: lettuce and then beef and then cheese. I couldn’t lose her but I loved him.
I asked what would happen if, when I looked inward, all I foundwas him, and she told me that what I felt wasn’t love. I asked if she would still be my friend if she was wrong. She went silent and then, staring at her palms, asked: Is that all I am to you?
What do you—
Nothing.
She stood and went to the door. She said that she needed to get sorted for Bath tomorrow.
You need the whole day for that?
Yes, I’m leaving tonight and staying over, she said, like I should have known. Then she added, more generously, that she was giving a presentation in the morning. I asked what the presentation was about, but she said that she needed to get on now.
Ruth, I—
Forget it, okay?
IN THE COURTYARD,THEblanket was bodiless on the swinging seat, and there was a full cup of tea on the ground. My tea was still on the floor of her bedroom. I wondered if Sally knew how Ruth liked her tea, and then I wondered if he knew how I liked mine.
I called him, and he answered like my name hadn’t appeared on his phone. I told him that I was just coming from Ruth’s and wanted to see him. He said that he was packing because he was moving tomorrow.
You’re moving?
I am.
I asked where he was moving to, and he just said, “North,” like we were inGame of Thrones. I asked him if I could come to his. He paused and then said: Fine, but I don’t have ages. Pat’s having a birthday dinner later.
THE BUS WAS SEVENminutes away, and so I went to the tube station. I took the Piccadilly line to King’s Cross and then changed to the Hammersmith and City, where the next train was due in three minutes. I went to put in my headphones, but something felt off. Peoplewere moving down the platform. I followed the glances and saw a man meandering close to the yellow line, wearing cream tracksuit bottoms with brown suit shoes, no socks, and a T-shirt that didn’t cover his belly. He was cumbersome and, as I watched, drunk.
I walked up to him and saw that he was crying. Excuse me, are you okay? He looked at me like he had previously thought himself the only person on the platform, then said something that I couldn’t understand, but I heard the words “prison” and “son.” I told him that he should move away from the tracks. He lifted one foot and hovered it. My stomach dropped.No! Don’t do that!But he laughed and dangled the other.
