Page 82 of What It's Like in Words
JUST GET THROUGH DINNER.
Virinder got an espresso, and I got a peppermint tea, and we talked about the American election. I told him that I was terrified Trump would win on Tuesday. Virinder hummed like he understood, and then his face lit up: Have I shown you this? He waited for me to respond even though there was no way I could know the answer, then played a video of a friend doing a bad impression of Trump talking about grabbing women by the pussy.
Finally, Virinder paid the bill. I picked up the lilies, and when he put my coat over my shoulders, he commented on the stain again. I told him that he should have let me get changed.
Baby girl, that stuff doesn’t matter to me!
And then I realized: Not only did it not matter, but helikedit. I was his scruffy writer girlfriend who couldn’t say “I love you.” He wanted me the way that someone wanted a tattoo or a sports car. I was his fetish. And he was my fetish too. The fetish of being treated well. The kink of a different life. It was a magic eye, and now that I had seen it, I couldn’t unsee it. There was nothing to be conflicted about; it was sad but inevitable: it was over.
OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT,VIRINDERsuggested that we stay at mine, but I couldn’t spend another night with him. I told him that I wanted a night to myself, but knowing that I needed to break up with him in person, added that I’d still like to see him on Sunday. He puffed out his chest and moved like a boxer. I asked if he was all right, and he stuttered: I know that you prefer my flat, but sometimes it would be nice if you invited me over. I know that you have commitment issues but—
I don’t have com—
I’ve made a huge effort this evening, and, well, I just think that… that…
His face was red, and there were beads of sweat on his hairline. I had never seen him panic before. He said he needed the toilet and ran back inside. After two minutes I got a message from Ruth:
FFS. Just come back to yours, Enola…
OPENING THE DOOR,Iknew it was coming, but I still felt sick.
SURPRISE!
Because my entrance was small, I could only see Ruth and Amy and Sasha, but as I turned the corner there was Fiona and a girl I didn’t recognize and then, oh god, was that Chris? And Stefan from the café. It was an awkward mix of people. Ruth shouted to Virinder to put the music on and dragged me to the bathroom. She shut the door and put her hands on my cheeks. Firstly,don’t worry, I made the flat look great. And I know you hate surprises but Virinder was certain that it was what you wanted and I couldn’t say no because, well, I didn’t want to imply that he didn’t know you like I know you, you know? And then I thought, well, we haven’t spoken much lately so maybe a surprise partyiswhat you want and—
Ruth, what?
Well, we’ve not seen each other as much recently, she said, looking down.
My pulse slowed, and I took her in. She had a thin layer of green glitter above her eyelashes and was wearing a silver mesh top over a black tube. Her hair was piled atop her head, and she smelled like coconuts. I put my hands on her shoulders and assured her that there would never be a man who knew me better than she did.
Even if there was, like, a weird sex thing?
Especiallyif there was a weird sex thing.
We laughed, and I said that I was sorry that we hadn’t spent much time together, and she told me not to worry. In my mind, she had been the busy one, but I brushed it off. I also brushed off the fact that I hadn’t heard from her all day. We looked at each other, and then I clamped my hand over my mouth. God, Roo, this is so weird, what am I going to do?
Ruth suggested putting on some makeup and a dress. Then fuck it, let’s have a fun night? Sometimes these weird nights turn out excellent. Also, I brought a date…
Sally?
Ruth nodded.
Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever known you to bring a date before. That’s quick!
Not really. It’s been a month.
There was a knock at the door. Then, saccharine, Virinder said that he had two glasses of prosecco for “the girls.” I opened the door a sliver to take them and thanked him for my surprise. He mimed mopping his brow. Phew! I was so worried because you told me that you hated surprises. But then I thought, well, everyonesaysthey hate surprises but no oneactuallydoes. Ruth nudged me and I nudged her back. I told Virinder that we would be out in a minute; then I put on some makeup and changed into my black dress.
RUTH WAS RIGHT.ONCEI got over my lack of control, the party was fun. We sat on the floor around the coffee table, and Ruth fed vodka jelly to people with a teaspoon. I spoke with Amy about the submissions process, and she encouraged me to start something new while I was waiting to hear from publishers. Sally spoke with a soft Huddersfield accent and asked me lots of questions. She was nervous, and Ruth kept putting her arm around me instead of her, which wasn’t helping. Virinder was in the kitchen playing host. He makes everyone his best friend, Ruth said. Then she paused. Is that a bit annoying?
We put on nineties music, and Ruth pulled me up, and we did our favorite thing, but then Virinder grabbed my waist and I stopped dancing, and slinked back down by the coffee table. Oh, I forgot, no PDA! he declared with a compensatory laugh.
Don’t worry, Virinder, said Amy, mispronouncing his name. Enola is like one of those creatures you have to pour water on.
Everyone looked at her.
You know, those squeaky ones that come to life, she clarified.
