Page 72 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
He whips his head towards us, and instantly his eyes glance at our hands. I watch his face go through a series of emotions. Brows raised in surprise, then furrowed in annoyance. He takes a long drag of his cigarette, nodding to himself. ‘She promised to buy dinner if I did this with her,’ he explains, and continues to side-step around Maio, who looks like he is seconds away from throwing up.
‘The space feels thoroughly cleansed, Anika.’ Magdalen drops my hand and jogs to them, ushering them away. ‘Let the lovebirds do their thing.’
When everyone concedes, Anika leads us along the beach. She and Magdalen walk together, arms linked, cackling loudly while kicking up sand and stopping every so often to pick up a shell.
‘That took literally no time at all,’ Dante says, hands shoved in his pockets.
‘Sorry, bro,’ I shrug. ‘Guess I’m trying something new. Gotta not be afraid, right?’ I bite down on my tongue, regretting the words instantly.
‘What the fuck do you have to be afraid of?’ Dante sneers, and starts counting with his fingers. ‘Too many opportunities thrown at you? Too many girls? Too much love from everyone?’
‘Alright, alright,’ I say laughingly to stop him from continuing, but it stings.
‘No, seriously, tell me what you’re afraid of.’
‘Dante, it’s nothing. I don’t know why I said it.’ Shrugging, I suddenly become aware of how high my shoulders are. Locked in place, the tension falls down my spine and I will myself to fucking relax.
‘You obviously have something you’re afraid of. I want to know what it is. Did I do something?’
‘Of course you didn’t do anything. Seriously, leave it alone. I’m an idiot.’
‘You’re not a fucking idiot,’ he spits back. ‘That’s why everyone loves you, genio.’
‘Can you just leave it alone?’ My voice raises, breathing harsh. Magdalen and Anika turn back to look at us so I offer them a small smile, a shrug, just boys being boys. Anika’s eyes travel to Dante, frowning at him and then back to me.
‘Of course.’ He raises his hands innocently. ‘Don’t go running back to New York now that I’ve fucking upset you. I’m sure now you’re here for Maggie you can manage to stick it out a little longer than two months,’ he murmurs, and trudges ahead of me.
‘Dante,’ I try, but it’s too late. He jogs towards the water and strips down to his underwear.
Anika shakes her head when we get to the shore. ‘I don’t even want to know.’ She runs towards Dante and dives head-first into the ocean.
I close my eyes and sigh, filling my lungs with salty air. I picture us as teenagers, Dante showing up with an old, beaten-up Lambretta that he stole from the museum parking lot. ‘Look at this shit!’ He bounced excitedly on the torn seat. ‘Come on! There’s even some gas left. Let’s go down the hill.’ I picture the day I told him I was leaving. I hoped my being here now was enough to forgive my decision to ever leave, but I see the resentment boiling in him.
‘Want to swim?’ Magdalen asks. I open my eyes, squinting at the sunset. Every time I look at her, hunger pangs in my chest. I’m terrified by how much I want her.
‘Come here,’ I say.
‘Demanding.’ She smiles and steps closer.
I graze my finger across the knot of her sarong. ‘Can I take this off?’ I try to clear my throat, noticing how rough my voice sounds, almost trembling with need.
‘Yes, please,’ she says, but there’s a hesitancy; her smile flinches.
Taking my hand off her, I look at her intently. ‘Magdalen, you’ll tell me if you’re not comfortable?’ I mean it to come out as a question, but it’s too hard, abrasive.
‘Yeah, course I will.’
‘I mean it. You know that, right? We don’t need to do anything you don’t want to. I’d be happy drinking coffee with you, watching you read until sunrise, and be thankful for it.’
‘Theo.’ She steps towards me and takes my hand, guiding it to the knot of the sarong again. ‘I want to. You know I’ve never necessarily done a lot of this.’ Her voice wavers and it takes everything in me not to wrap her in my arms until the doubt that I selfishly planted is flushed out.
I untie the knot and dip my finger underneath the linen until the cloth falls to the sand. ‘Don’t apologize, please. You don’t need to explain anything.’
‘Okay. Noted. Now take off your shirt.’
‘Excuse me?’ I try to hide my smile at her boldness and she gasps, hands flying to her hips.
‘Excuse you? I’m standing here bare-ass and vulnerable and you’re fully clothed.’
