Page 62 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
‘Fuck, Magdalen. I’m complete shit at this.’
‘At what? Having a conversation for longer than five minutes without telling me what a repressed idiot I am?’ I roll my eyes, annoyed that I’ve humoured this conversation for as long as I have. Nothing has changed since the tennis club. Since my bloody tits and his silly haircut. Since my first real kiss.
He glances at Dante, who frowns at us before chucking the bread and preserves my mother bought into the trunk. Theo looks back at me. In this morning sun, his eyes almost glow yellow. But just as quickly, the shade shifts, and the tiredness in them reminds me of what a boy he really is.
‘I didn’t mean any of that,’ he blurts out awkwardly. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’ve said sorry before, baby.’
He stumbles quickly and I know he’s remembering the archway, too. Whispering ‘baby’ in my ear while I grind myself on him.
Turning to him again, I ask, ‘How can I trust you? I know fuck-all about you, yeah?’
‘Well, maybe I want someone to know me.’ He almost lifts his hand to touch me, but instead squeezes the handle of my luggage. ‘Maybe I want it to be you.’
‘Why the sudden change of heart? I thought I was annoying and inexperienced. I thought you hated getting me off. Isn’t that what you said? What part of that was enjoyable to you?’
‘Christ, as if I haven’t been enjoying that memory every fucking day since.’ He kicks a pebble off the driveway as we walk.
My mind whirls. What the fuck is going on?
‘Listen, I’m saying sorry for the stupid shit I say. I... I can’t offer you more than this. I can’t give you the romance you deserve.’ He continues, finding his words. His voice becomes intent. Desperate. ‘I have no right to need you, I fucking know that, but, if you let me, I can show you what it should be like. What it can feel like. I’m sorry for everything I said. As much as I want you to know me, Magdalen...’ He tugs at the roots of his hair, as if trying to pull the words out of him. ‘... I hate who I am most of the time, but I don’t usually do anything to fix it.’
Me too, I silently agree. But I opt for anger instead.
‘Theo, I’m really not sure what you want me to say to any of this. You left me. You kissed me back and then you left me. And I’m not sure if you’re drunk.’ I squint, trying to see if his eyes are glazed over.
He snorts. ‘I’m not drunk. I’m too easily seduced by you when I drink.’
‘So I never stood a chance sober?’
‘Not what I meant.’
‘Then what did you mean?’
Theo breathes in deeply. ‘I would have been more careful with you. Would have taken my time. Would have seduced you first.’
‘You never had to be careful with me. Respectful would have been lovely.’
‘The next time I kiss you, I’ll consider that.’
‘What makes you think I’d ever let you kiss me again? If I recall, I had to practically beg for the first one.’
‘I don’t mind begging. I’ll do it next time. This time on my knees.’
I roll my eyes again, but with a smile this time. I am no stronger than any other girl. ‘I’ll see you in Alassio.’
He sighs and runs his hand through those thick curls. ‘Tell Anika to drive safe, please. You owe me a kiss.’
‘I don’t owe you anything!’
‘Fine, I owe you one.’ His smile dazzles. ‘Seriously, tell her to be fucking careful. I need you in one piece.’
36
THEO
Dante and I arrive before everyone else. The villa is big, all stone walls and windows with green shutters.
